You probably know the feeling, everything is going well and there seems to be no end. Will it always be this way, you think hopefully. But no. Just when you cautiously dare to be happy, the sky breaks and hell opens up.

An oasis of peace

Last summer, my girlfriend and I went on vacation. Well, vacation? We went to a campsite every weekend. More than two to three days is too much for us, we won’t survive that. After an hour’s drive from Utrecht, we turned our van into a forest path of a nature campsite in Gelderland. Immediately the tranquil peace fell upon us. The silence was refreshing and the warmth of the heatwave penetrated a lot less in the dense green forest. Slender sun rays and patches of shadow can be so heavenly.

A safe oasis

So, the campsite was in the middle of a forest. After we crossed a bumpy dirt road we saw a few camping fields where we could set up. To our right there was a large central field with thick green grass, a fire pit in the middle and lots of tents, caravans and teepees. Children played, dogs barked and fathers, mothers and other camping tourists filled the field. Sweat broke out and fear grabbed me by the throat. All those people! My girlfriend saw my big eery eyes in my pale face and said redemptive and happy: oh, look, over there, that field is completely empty! Through the trees we saw another field where indeed nobody was camping on. Laughing at our typical social-avoiding behavior we drove to that empty field and went all the way down in a corner, close to the edge of the forest and placed the van with its back to the center of the empty field. This way we had made a nice and safe oasis for ourselves.

We went five weekends in succession to the same campsite this way, to our campsite, the same field, our corner. The predictability and silence without people around us gave us a peace of mind. We both know that we both need that. She because of her autism, I because of my social anxiety disorder. Here we felt free, safe and in love. We believed, carefully that we could be happy too.

A cozy hell

The last time we went again, however, was quite different. I knew the road well enough by now and on autopilot I entered our forest path. When we arrived at the campsite, we were shocked to see that people were already camping on our field and that our little place was occupied. I freezed and did not know what to do. My girlfriend did not know either. This was unexpected and very disruptive. Panically we looked for an empty field, but no. Only on the large ‘social campeniers field’ there was still room…

In next week’s blog post Rogiér will explain how he dealt with the situation.

The house underneath mine has been empty for a long time. That was nice and quiet, with behind it a lovely large, wild garden on which I looked. Now new neighbors, a young couple with a child, have bought it from the social corporation. And they have grand plans.

New neighbours

I come home from shopping and see them standing in the front yard. My heartbeat speeds up, my breath stops, shoes filled up with lead and I change into Pinocchio. I put on a smile and walk on to my house. “Hello”, I said compulsory. They greet me kindly and then the mandatory chit-chat follows. I feel very uncomfortable but do not let it show. As soon as I close the front door behind me, I blow out a sigh. Pfff, it’s safe again.

Suddenly it completely dawns on me: my world is broken, disturbed, in tatters. I am visible to strangers again. I can not ignore them; I have to deal with these people. I have known my current neighbors for more than ten years and are therefore no longer alien, even very familiar. But I do not know these new people, do not know what they think, what they see or what they will think of me. I feel trapped by their presence. The others are the hell, said the French philosopher Sartre so eloquently pessimistic. After all, they are the ones who make you visible and will judge you. I know, in the long run, others can also be your heaven – every now and then.

Living environment

Because these new neighbors are going to renovate and are going to make a huge expansion in their backyard, their presence also materially affects me. A large part of my view on green gardens will disappear and a big black roof will take its place. I experienced that earlier with the neighbors next to me. Suddenly every day I look out on a large lifeless, messy surface of asphalt. My oasis of peace is being replaced, bit by bit.

This has been going on for a while now. I live in a big city and there has been a lot of construction activity. Numerous individuals buy houses from the social housing corporations, make it their private property and do what they want without regard for others. I used to live in a nice working-class neighborhood, now it is becoming a luxury yuppy neighborhood. People become each other’s competitor, each claiming a piece of living environment for themselves. Well, then indeed, the others will become the hell.

The outside world

Little by little, the outside world is closing in on me, touches deeper into me, tighten itself more firmly around my body. To shut out the world it is no longer enough to close the door behind me. Construction noises are constantly penetrating walls, children’s sounds until late at night, and the TV’s murmurs mutter their programs from the left and right. Inevitably the outside world flows in.

Life in this neighborhood has always been well balanced. My home sufficiently shielded me from the outside world. It was my place where I could be myself, unseen or troubled by others. Lately, my house is more like a stay-in, a temporary shelter, waiting for me to relocate.

A home is a way of existence

A home is more than a house made of stones, glass and wood. It is more than a roof over your head. Ask people who have lost their homes due to money problems, natural disaster or war. They are displaced, lost their way and continuously waiting to start living again. Ask people in asylum centers. They do not live there, although they stay there for years. The people in their surrounding are not their neighbors, only foreign asylum seekers who are also waiting. I almost feel like an asylum seeker in my own home.

A home is a way of life

A home is a way of life, it creates a place in the world, your place in the world. A home is like a safe haven from where you can leave, from where you can enter the world with peace of mind, to work, school, the store or to your friends. It is a place where you can return safely, with the certainty that it is still there since you left. My home is an anchor for my existence, a landmark around which my world spans.

A home is a private space

A home is a private space, for you and only you. It makes you feel welcome, and gives the certainty that it protects you from the chaotic world. It is a space that offers you the room to be unseen. My home is an opportunity to relax, to hang out unabashed on the couch, to walk around in my bare ass, to dance like a moron without being judged.

A home is a self-expression

A home is also a self-expression, a business card, a friendly reception area where you can welcome your family, friends and neighbors into your home. My home is a part of myself, of who I am. The way I arranged it, the colors, the smells and the things here and there. Typically Rogiér, people say. This is me, here is where I live, this is my existence.

Everything is changed

For a long time my house really felt like a home. It was my safest place on earth, my anchor point, my being. Now there are new neighbors, a change in environment and suddenly everything is changed. I live in a lively city, I know, between people and new circumstances. The world is always in constant change. I know, and yet I feel disturbed, I have a huge need for peace, stability and order.

And my new neighbors? O well, they must also create their home of course, make their place their own. By renovating, shaping the stone, glass and wood according to their personal preferences. By letting their presence be noticed, by pushing their sounds into the air and displaying their personality to their neighborhood. By making a ridiculously large extension under my window in their garden! Agrrr… Living is and remains a difficult interaction between people, space and matter. That’s what they call life, I guess. Pfff …

The moment had arrived; last Sunday was my birthday. 30, the big 3-0, the dirty thirty. People kept on asking me how I felt about it, whether I was OK with it. And actually I found that a very strange question.

Birthdays

As a little girl, I regularly celebrated my birthday. I enjoyed to get spoiled with gifts and to hang out with my friends. But afterwards it went downhill. Because of bullying at school, I did not want to celebrate it anymore and if people let you down, that doesn’t get any better. So after so many disappointments, you just stop. Family often came to drink a cup of coffee and eat some cake. But celebrate? Nope.

Also I didn’t want to go to celebrate someone else’s birthday anymore. Where there were people I didn’t know and didn’t feel comfortable with. No, birthdays were no longer spent on me.

Mindset

I was in the middle of my therapy when I decided to go to a birthday party again. It was my best friend’s birthday and I thought: Why not? I was still terribly insecure about who I was and what I looked like, but I also wanted to step out of my private bubble and push my boundaries.

I will never forget this evening, where I met my current boyfriend. And what is actually special about that? He also hates birthdays, from the bottom of his heart. Also almost nobody knows his birthday. Fortunately, he makes an exception for some friends. And yes, luckily he was there last Sunday!

Open and honest

At the last couple of birthday parties I visited, I was very open and honest about my fears. I said in advance that I found it difficult because there would be many unknowns. But this has certainly helped me to have nice evenings. This made me very enthusiastic about my own birthday! I ordered a cake, but then I got scared. Would everyone come? Or will they let me down again?

D-day!

It started great. My mother decorated everything, I got a present and the cake was in the fridge. My mother asked me: “Why are you so quiet?” I was nervous… But as soon as the first ones arrived at the door, that was gone. I enjoyed it!

No, I don’t mind that I reached thirty. Why? Don’t we all want to get old? Of course it sounds strange, the twenty out and the thirty in. But it doesn’t creep me out. I am happy, do what I like and have a whole future ahead of me. Do I understand that people are afraid when they get older? Yes! But to start with that already? No, you have to enjoy it. My partner is 11 years older than I am, so this also makes me feel a lot younger!

The song of this week: Robyn with Keep this fire burning. A nice song I used to be play quite often. When you listen to it, you notice that it suits me well.

Love, Renée. A proud thirty year old x

I opened my eyes and immediately knew: this will not be a good day. Morning gone, world in full swing and I had yet to start. I turned around, but the feeling of guilt sickened me enough to kick me out of bed. Pffff, there we go again.

Dawnting dawn

After breakfast I opened my laptop, my workplace, my office. With unwilling eyes I peered at the open document: Course Design Eastern Philosophy. But my mind did not wanted to travel east. The books, ready to be studied, stared at me arduous and heavy. With childlike reluctance, I went into my shell and did not want to come out anymore. Gravity suddenly seemed to pull ten times more heavily on all my cells. My body felt massive. In that same gravity I dropped my head and closed my laptop. Pffff, what a life.

I did not understand why I felt so bad. Last few days it felt so well. I quickly got out of bed, started to work and did my research with curiosity. And at the end of the day I looked back with satisfaction. But now? Pfff, not this day.

With boredom, I switched on my stereo, selected a random playlist and sound poured out. The room came to life a little bit. Through my ears a bit of that life penetrated my body and reached my mind. No intellectual work for me today, I thought aloud with feigned courage. I looked around my room and saw the half-painted window frame. A job that has been waiting for me for a while. The rhythm of the music set me in motion and I decided to start painting.

Movements

I put on, hesitantly, my working clothes, searched for some painting materials, covered the table, put newspapers on it and emptied the window frame to be painted. Pfff, my god what a work, I thought, but the rhythm of the music kept me moving. Mechanically and steady I continued, ’cause I knew that it could make my day a little better, that at least I had done something useful this day, that no one can accuse me of slugabed.

The rhythm of the music and the meditative strokes of the brush bring me into a mindless, almost meditative state. Back and forth, back and forth, nothing but my hand and the brush. My world is shrinking to the tip of the brush. Details of the wood require my full attention. The imperfections want to get well filled up with the shiny moist of the paint. One stroke after another, the music and nothing else.

Suddenly I notice that sounds come out of my mouth. I am singing. Gently, but still. I sing along with old familiar songs from the eighties. Memories awaken, thoughts wander and flow through body and mind. They go back and forth from then to there and from ‘oh yes that was cool’ to ‘ah, poor boy’. Without excitement, sadness or ecstasy, I enjoy musing without purpose, singing without shame, working without meaning.

Reality returning

The last stroke. Pfff. Ready! I let out my familiar sigh. The reality of the world is flowing in again and my body regains its weighted heaviness. The music has been silent for a while and the silence is felt again. Thoughtlessly and still in a bit of meditative state, I clean up the painting materials. I put the brush and the roller in water, cleanup the table and store the rest in the attic.

The clock shows that the day has almost gone. ‘Nothing done today’ sounds the critical voice in my head. But I quickly correct myself. I look at the painted window frame and say to myself: ‘you have painted. Look how beautiful it has become? You may not have been intellectually busy working, but it has been a useful job, well done! My healthy side answered with a smile. Rueful but satisfied I put on my clean clothes. I make a nice cup of tea in the kitchen. With a cookie. I’ve deserve that.

It’s time. Time to choose me. I want to do a lot, but right now I just can’t. I try to be strong but at the end of the day that doesn’t work. It’s time. I will take half a year off. And to be very honest, this is very scary for me.

Working on autopilot

Do you know that feeling that the day passes by but you have no sense of time and you live in a kind of haze? I call it the autopilot. The autopilot is one of my survival mechanisms. Every day I do what I have to do without being aware of what I am actually doing. Probably this sounds a bit confusing. Suppose you are cycling, and your thoughts are somewhere else. You will cycle home the same route you always do, without noticing it. At home you realize that you came home unconsciously. That’s how I feel all the time. I do things without being aware of it, and yet this brings me to the end of the day. Sometimes there are times when I am fully aware of my actions, that feels so great.

Scary

And then all of a sudden it dawned on me that I can no longer live on autopilot. I have tried several things, like mindfulness. But I have a hate-love relationship with mindfulness. It doesn’t work for me. That’s why I will spend half a year on working on myself. Maybe even for a year, but I will see how it goes. I find it scary because I like to have control over what I’m doing.. As I wrote in my blog ‘Is this it?‘, I like to plan. I’ve always mapped out my life. If you’d told me this three years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you. No way that I give up! But that was then. Because actually this is not giving up, this is fighting back. I am going fight against my demons without being able to flee into study or work.

Self love

I have been off for several weeks now. When the summer started, I didn’t know what to do. I was so tired of studying and working. I agreed with myself (and also with my therapist: P) to be nice for myself. So, I am going to give myself a dose of self-love. What that looks like? Not being too strict for myself and stop when my body tells me to. Now I don’t have any obligations for half a year, I can also pick up my other hobbies: playing the piano, singing, reading and writing!

Yes, it’s scary. Terribly scary. But everyday I’m a bit more convinced that I made the right choice.

Quote with this story: Self love will save your soul – R.H. Sin (from The Minds Journal)

Love,

Ghyta

Most people have fear of little things like spiders or heights. When your daily life is suffering from these fears , it can mean that you have a phobia. You can notice this when you can not perform certain tasks anymore. For example, you can not go to the market anymore, you can not travel by train of you are avoiding the zoo. So when your daily life suffers you can speak of phobia or anxiety.

What is a phobia?

Most people are afraid of something at some moment during their life. For example, like being afraid of spiders, heights or public transport. Because of this anxiety you are avoiding  situations where you are exposed to the situation.

How does a phobia arise?

A phobia can arise in many ways, however it has not yet been scientifically proven how phobia exactly. Different research implicate the following different factors:

Primal fears

This theory describes that everyone has primal fears. These fears are because of our past. For example, children are afraid to lose sight of their parents. This fear is congenital. These primal/congenital fears are, in some cases, too strongly developed in some people.  Because of this the body gives certain anxious feelings in situations when it is not necessary.

Hereditary factors

Research has shown that anxious feelings can be hereditary. However, how much this hereditary factors has an influence is still not known. Sensitivity of fear feelings can be heritable, but it does not have to mean that this is always the case.

Serotonin

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter in our brain which is involved in daily activities such as regulating the sleep, hunger/thirst and temperature. Also it has an influences on your mood, too little serotonin can cause depressive feelings.

Medications/drugs

Medication and drugs can cause less balance in your brains. This can cause fear and/or panicky feelings. Also drinking coffee can have an influence on your fear feelings, this is caused by the caffeine. When you have too much caffeine you can get a rushed feeling.

NiceDay: together with your professional you can discuss having a fear / phobia and can look at possibilities. Keep in mind that it is about going and not about treating your phobia. Of course we can offer well, also the means of NiceDay. So you are in your diary by holding which thoughts you are during those given situations.

The numbers from Statistics Netherlands (CBS) show that women are more likely to suffer from psychological problems than men. In 2014, 14% of women said that they are suffering from psychological complaints. For men, this percentage was 9%. For this reason, for example, depression is often labeled as a woman’s disease. But is this statement correct?

‘Do not nag’

How could it be that fewer men are reported with, for example, depression? An explanation could be that men have imposed certain rules on themselves. Many men, think  that they should not show weakness and that they should not be vulnerable. Many men are also afraid to express their emotions and therefore, asking for help is something that is rarely done. ‘Do not nag, you’re not a sissy’ and ‘Just keep going, I’ll feel better later’ are thoughts that often haunt them.

Depression or heart problems?

Women visit the psychologist or a social worker more often than men and it is therefore not surprising that the numbers show that women suffer more often from psychological complaints. In addition, women are more likely to be diagnosed with depression, while men are referred to a heart specialist for the same symptoms (for example palpitations and restlessness). Finally, men and women deal differently with their complaints. For example, women notice certain physical changes more quickly and seek help rather than men.

Get rid of the taboo

When it comes to our mental health, many people, and especially men, find it difficult to seek professional help. The fear of being labeled as incompetent and weak is strongly present. How do we break this taboo around having psychological complaints? Talk about psychological problems! Even if it is a big step to make, try to talk about it with your environment. Choose a counselor from your work or from your circle of friends. You will notice that there will be more understanding for you than you might have expected. You can also go to the doctor, he or she can refer you to a GGZ institution or a psychologist in your area. Click here for more information.

‘No health without mental health’

NiceDay

Do you have trouble discussing your feelings with others? Schedule a NiceDay event to have a conversation with a confidant (a friend or relative) and try to discuss your situation. Write in your NiceDay journal how this was for you, how it went and what could have gone better.

Last year I was part of an event called Last Man Standing. An initiative of the nonprofit organization MIND. Together with 100 other participants, I endured 6 hours of standing on a pole of 20 cm by 20 cm, in a lake, with a lot of wind. An endurance challenge to visualize the waiting lists in Mental Health care. I never expected to make it to 6 hours, but I did! Together with more than 80 percent of the participants. And when you step off that pole you realize, that with a good cause, a group of motivated people, music and support from the shoreside, you can achieve great things.

This year I will participate again. This time for a mentally healthy youth (MIND YOUNG). Another great cause. Because, whether or not you struggle with something, it is important to know, when you are young, that you can talk about anything. With someone. Without taboo. Without fear of disapproval. Without being seen as weak.

Puberty and young adulthood are, in itself, already turbulent. There are so many things happening, so much to learn, to see, and to experience. So many things that can influence you and so many things you can be. So much to choose, so much to fit in to, and so much to resist. To become your own person is quite the challenge for our youth and their surroundings. But it is a natural process of becoming an adult. And most of us make it to the other end, with a lot of fun too. But still, a lot of young people also will not make it or will not know fun.

My development into adulthood was roughly disrupted by Borderline. An emotion regulation disorder. I could not cope with all this turbulence. I did not know what to do anymore. My emotions became my enemy.

My puberty and young adulthood were dark and hard. A few times I wanted to give up. I did not believe in life anymore, or in that things could be well or were going to be okay (despite how many times people told me they would be). My emotional pain was so intense that I preferred physical pain as a distraction. My life, and clothing style, was black. I wanted to disappear. I did not understand who I was, where or with whom I wanted to fit in, and how this thing called life should be lived. I was consumed by worry, fear, pain, anger and especially desperation.

But that did not show. I finished my gymnasium and 3 college degrees, and started a successful management career. I had friends and played sports. But it often felt empty inside, as if I was not totally there, as myself, living life. And I was tired, so very tired. I did not dare to share this with anybody. Just carry on, I thought. Carry on. Survive.

I still have Borderline. But I am way more than that now. I know who I am. What I am good at, what I like, what I need. And it is so much more than the disorder. You know  what is beautiful too? When you start being aware and taking care of the whole person you are, you see that small part of you that once defined you and your life, become smaller and smaller, and manageable. I created space for myself and in this way created more peace and overview. I can be myself now. Now that I am somewhat older (36), I have a lot more overview, I understand better how life works and how I can relate to life in a more peaceful way.

At age 32, I started 18 months of Mentalization Based Therapy. A therapy especially for Borderline. It benefited me greatly. I am lucky that I could and was able to work so much on my struggles, eventually also with help. And this is when I also realized what I had missed when I was younger: support, love and professional help. The period that you need it the most. Especially when you struggle with your mental or physical health. And that is why I recon Last Man Standing and their cause to be so important. The more information is shared and the more we talk about it, the sooner our youth will dare to talk about their struggles too, and the sooner they can get help. I want this out of the taboo and stigmatization. I want more understanding, knowledge and openness. And I want more tools for recognizing mental health problems; for families, at schools, and in groups of friends. And for ourselves. The sooner we know something is not right, the more opportunities we get to create better quality of life and lights at the end of the tunnel.

Last Man Standing will take place on June 23rd at the Markermeer. I will try to stand for 6 hours again. And you can also participate! You can register at www.doemeemetmind.nl (click on ‘ik wil meedoen’). You can participate with my team or start your own team. My team is registered under ‘Team Bouwke’. You are very welcome to join!

“You are doing well. You’re on the rise!” People said around me. Enthusiastically I pressed the buttons of higher and higher floors.

Indeed, lately I feel good and see that my life, according to the social norms, is heading in the right direction. I started exercising, I finally have a steady relationship, and I teach more courses. People are happy for me and I am also very happy for me as well! But alas, if things are going well, I want more. Then I want a ‘normal life’ like everyone else that has no disability.

My spring courses had almost come to an end and I dreamed of organizing an extra course on my own. After all, I was doing well, so why not? Organizing some activity is unfortunately not my strongest quality and it cost me more stress than I had anticipated. But at the time I didn’t want to pay any attention to it. I kept going, because I was on the rise.

A few weeks before the start of that course, fear hit me. Already a couple of times I woke up anxiously, but still I ignored it. The stress continued to increase and in the end I thought: do I really want this? Is this really good for me? On a whim (or was it a firm action?) I pressed the emergency button of the elevator. I canceled the reservation for the location, emailed everyone that it did not go through and made my apologies. A burden fell off me and I could breathe again.

Now the central question is: have I acted well? Did I take good care of myself this time, or did I let myself be guided by my fears again?

Identify stress in time
That remains difficult. I suffer daily from anxiety and stress. But sometimes it is clearly worse. At times I wake up in the morning with a shivering body as if it were electrified. Even this, though, I’m able to ignore. I think that I have to be strong and should not nag about it. The signals can also be more unclear. Then my days become increasingly chaotic. I do everything and nothing at all. Those days can last for a long time, but in the end it gets me down.

So the question is: When do you signal stress in time?

Weighing the signals
You can detect stress or other signals in time, but then you still don’t know how to react to it. This time I didn’t ask myself well enough how serious the signals were. I said to myself: “Ah, dude, tension is part of it. You can handle this!” In the end, I woke up in sheer panic. Only then did I realize that I had previously weighed the signals too lightly.

So the question is: How burdensome and urgent are you signals?

Much on my plate
As I said, if things are going well for me, I want to do more and more, to be more like people without a disability. Then I take more on my plate. I forget, however, that I only have a little plate to fill. Naturally, it is not a good thing to drop everything when a bit of stress and anxiety hits me, to protect myself excessively. In that case I would let myself be governed by fear. Conversely, it is also not smart to pretend that I can handle everything. Then in the end the burden will put me down as well, even worse. The question I should ask myself is whether I can really handle the stress and fears which come with that activity.

So the question is: How much is good for you?

The price I want to pay
Ignoring and underestimating signals has a price. Taking on an activity also has a price. Overestimating signals and doing no more activities also have their price. What does it really cost me and what does it bring me? So I have to wonder what the real price is and if that price is a good price for me. It is not only the question whether I can afford it, but also whether I want to pay that price.

So the question is: Which price do you want to pay?

Endless wavering
Looking back at my decision, the burden of giving a self-organized course and the stress it gave me, does not outweigh the pleasure and satisfaction that I would get from it. If I am realistic and mild to myself, I shouldn’t want to pay that price. So, in this case, it has been a good decision to press the emergency button! Of course, it remains a laborious and uncertain compromise between two extremes of too early & too late, of too light & too heavy, of too little & too much, and of too low & too high. But be on time to signal the stress and ask yourself what it’s all worth to you and what price you really want to pay.

My body felt like I was running a marathon, out of breath. My heart was racing. My legs were shaking.

Summer school at Knowmads Business School in Amsterdam, July 2017. I just received the assignment to present something to conclude the week, my week here. Tomorrow I had 10 minutes to bring it.

My head was spinning. I could not measure the outcome. When would the outcome be okay? What should it be about? When was it good? How was it good? What would others do? Do they know? How can I create something without knowing how I would be judged?

I came home late and decided to go straight to bed. I had been here before and I knew that I had to trust the process. It was no use trying to come up with a whole presentation right now, I was tired. Tomorrow I had some time. “Trust”, I said to myself.
But my body did not give in to that. It did not buy my trust story and I did not sleep well.

I woke up nervous. Nothing had changed. I was an anxious wreck. I could not do this. At Knowmads, I sat down at a table. I stared. Things we did and learned this week started passing by in my thoughts. How could things come together? I came back to the now and felt my body and head spinning out of control. This is too much, how can I calm down?

I had no control whatsoever. Or did I?

We had an intense week. This Business school is about you and what you want to put out into this world. That’s why you have to be honest and open. To find what you want to give the world, you must find what you have to give. It is intense.

Thinking about this helped me remember. I remembered one of the things Knowmads is about; Head, Heart, Hands in balance. What I was feeling now, was nowhere near balance! My head was overtaking my whole body and heart. I had to put in more heart and hands.

I decided that I could use this and, finally, I put my head back in its place and had it do what it is good at: supporting my heart and hands.
My heart wanted to tell everybody about the I am one movement and personal leadership. The project I had been working on this week.
But, how could I do that calmly with my body treating this presentation as a death walk? Ah, there come the hands. I decided to do a handstand at the beginning of my presentation. The headstand is fun for me and I do it way to little. This physical activity would be wonderful for releasing my tension and to start with a joyous heart! Personal leadership at its best!
And last, my head would know what to say, cause its my project. I worked on the I am one movement. I know what I want to say.

Quickly I made 3 sheets to support what I wanted to say. My body was still in death walk mode, but I was ready.

I started my 10 minutes with a handstand in front of everybody, I talked from the heart, I made connection and had a clear story. Success!! In so many ways. For me, personally, for overcoming my fear and working around, and with it. For delivering a talk that was really me and had substance. And for making connection. I had all the control in the world, because there were no boundaries to what I could and was allowed to do. Together with Knowmads, I had created space to just be me.

Balance between head, heart and hands is a great tool in personal leadership. If you see yourself using one of the three too much or out of balance, try to stop and wonder what is needed to get back to balance over time. It will help you in so many ways. Not only with giving a presentation, but with everything you do.

Give it try! Good luck!! You are wonderful!