“Accept it like it is” might be a phrase you have heard before. But what exactly is acceptance? And how do you implement acceptance into your life to improve it? How can acceptance benefit you?

What is acceptance?

Acceptance refers to recognizing and accepting the reality of a situation, experience, or emotion without trying to fight, change or avoid it. Sometimes acceptance is viewed as passivity, or giving up, but it is far from it. Acceptance can take a great amount of motivation and resilience, especially if it is something that you don’t support or like. However, just because we accept something, doesn’t mean we cannot work toward changing it. Acceptance can be a good first step to moving forward and making a commitment to progress or change, and thus, can have an important role in therapy. One type of therapy that puts a lot of emphasis on acceptance is ACT, otherwise known as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. 

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy – also known as ACT – theorizes that trying to control or suppress our emotions can paradoxically lead to more distress and intensify these emotions. A good example of this is anxiety, where by constantly trying to control it, we put more focus and attention on the negative feelings.This in turn actually leads to an increase in anxiety, creating more distress. ACT believes that stress and hurt are a natural and inevitable part of life. By accepting the experience, it can help to obtain some inner peace. The pain will still be there but you will suffer less from it.

Worrying and obsessing over something that we cannot control, can leave us stuck. The distraction and struggle become the block to reaching our goals. ACT proposes that instead of directly working against our emotions, we should accept them compassionately as a natural response to our experiences and commit to making changes in areas that are possible. 

This video gives a nice metaphor for acceptance:

Practising acceptance

There are various techniques that can be used to practice acceptance: 

  • Mindful acceptance 

Observe and be aware of your thoughts, feelings, and sensations at any given moment, without judging them or consciously trying to change them. Observe them and let them pass. 

  • Label your experiences and emotions 

Acknowledge their presence. Treat them with curiosity and openness. 

Embrace your flaws and weaknesses with care, compassion, and patience.  Allow yourself to not be good at everything, but also acknowledge your character strengths. 

Remember that acceptance, like most other skills, takes practise; try to be patient with yourself. However, do you want help or support practising acceptance? Contact our NiceDay Team, they will gladly guide you to a suitable professional!

Maurice (69 years old) had a life-threatening bacterium in his jaw. Therefore, a part of his jaw had to be removed. Now he is wearing a prosthesis in this jaw. That is quite something. The loss of his jaw felt like a grieving process. With the help of a coach he learned to accept the prosthesis more. We interviewed him about his experience with online coaching.

A prosthesis in the jaw is intense. Can you explain why you have this prosthesis and how did you end up at NiceDay?

“I had a bacterium in my upper jaw and antibiotics did not help. My upper jaw had to be removed. Otherwise the bacteria could spread further over my body. Now I have a prosthesis in my jaw since July. The prosthesis pressed on my palate which caused a lot of irritation. I couldn’t get used to it, but the prosthesis had to stay in. That is why I sought help from a psychologist to learn how to cope better with my frustration. ”

How did you experience online coaching?

“Of course I discussed my problem with my wife, but talking to a coach or therapist is something different. I had pleasant conversations with my psychologist, five in total. All with video calling, it worked well for me. “

“I received tips to accept my prosthesis and the pressure I experience from it. I can get over it better now. I also learned not to force myself to work on it anymore. Through the conversations I can let go and accept more. Losing your teeth and jaw is actually a grieving process, and I was helped with that. ”

What did you find challenging during coaching?

“I also received an assignment during the treatment. I went away for a weekend with two friends. At home I can take out the prosthesis whenever I want, but that is not possible during this weekend. I wanted to learn how to deal with that. I had to leave my comfort zone. During the weekend I learned more to accept that the irritating pressure is present. But luckily I’m not busy with it all the time.”

 Would you recommend NiceDay to others?

“Hell yes! Everything I wanted was has come true. If anyone asks for help, then I recommend NiceDay. Having an online conversation with my psychologist was very pleasant.”

Do you want help from a coach or psychologist? Download the NiceDay app and talk to a coach of your choice. 

We have changed the name for privacy reasons.

On my travels I gained a lot of insights. Insights into who I am and how I want to live my life. I asked myself the Why question a lot and even though I am just getting started, it influenced the quality of my life tremendously already.

When you really want to discover things about your life, about who you are, what you want and think is important, and how you are going to achieve that, the Why question is an important one. The Why  question touches on meaning, on origin, on motivation and passion. Why digs deeper than How and What. How and What flow from Why, and give it practical use.

The Why question

The Why question helps me to uncover the origin of my thoughts, behavior and actions. Research into this origin helps me to re-evaluate; if I understand it and if it still suits me. And, if not, can I change this origin? When change is not possible in the Why, I could take another route; changing my How and What for the same origin.

Let me explain. One of the most important themes for me, before and at the start of my travels, was why I had the feeling that I could sleep for at least three years, that I was exhausted, and that I could not go on like I did. I found the answers to those questions. I have never totally accepted myself for who I am. I was in denial about having Borderline Personality Disorder and that this disease brings things to the table. And I did not give it space. And with that, I lost energy by the minute. Energy that I did not have. Energy I borrowed. It led me to burn-out and heavy depressions. Desperate attempts of my body and soul to refill on energy. I also lost myself more and more. Because, without energy you can never be yourself fully, just a hollowed out version of you.

My origin will not and cannot change. I am Bouwke, a whole person, with Borderline. But then, then you reach the How and What. And beautiful things can happen. Because, there are multiple ways to reach Rome.

Being yourself

How can I be Bouwke? How can I be myself completely? So simple. So clear. In accepting and giving space to all sides of me. And How can I live my life in a way that all sides of me are facilitated? These How questions led me to so many important answers. I cherish loving, supporting, meaningful relationships. Also, I love playing sports and find it important to have peace and quiet once in a while. I like appreciation, love to help others and love to use my intelligence and creativity. At certain times I need to be alone. And so much more.
All this is part of me and it can help me rearrange my life. The What. What can I do? After revisiting my Why, and looking at my Why’s, I am now at a point in my life where I can try to put my insights into practice. One of them for example, is work. What do I want with work? My first decision is that I want to try to work only 24 for hours a week. 24 hours should be enough moneywise to cover the basics and some more. I would have enough time to recover and take rest and have enough time left to see friends, play sports, help others and for creativity.

Balancing work and private life

I have been working 24 hours a week for a while now, and I can say I am on the right track with this decision. Only recently I had a talk with one of my best friends. She asked me about our mutual friends. How they were doing. She’s been wanting to call them, but she is very busy. She shreds when I tell her that I am worried about one of our mutual friends. Oh, she should have called. She feels guilty. And though this is true for so many of us, and kind of normal already (that everyone is busy busy busy), I am happy that I created the time, space and energy to to talk to or see my friends and help them if they need it. And to just spontaneously help others. Just because I can. And If I do, I still have time to slowly wake up in the morning with a cup of coffee in bed. Or to do nothing on a Sunday and just recover. Without too much stimuli. All this gives me quality of life.

Making these choices is not always or only easy. A 24 hour work week brings in way less money and it proves to be difficult to find a fitting job. It will never work all at once. I just work now. Finding something where I can also use a lot of my capabilities will be a challenge. Or maybe I can find something in my free time that challenges me. Either way, I will be patient. Because I discovered what 24 hours does with my life. And I truly believe in why I do this. I have a lot of faith in my future, if I keep using my Why as a compass.

Do you ever ask yourself the Why question? I recommend you to try this once in a while. And have look at how you express your why and what you do. I think it can give you a lot of insights. Have fun with learning about you!