After doing some self-reflection, this is what I came up with:
I was so afraid that people would leave. This makes sense because I was never very good at communicating. Or as they used to say: PPD-NOS Behavioral and Communication Disorder. So people, no matter how hard I tried, often left and I became more and more distant from them. Why bother knowing how it’s going to end, why not hurt them before they hurt you? Be in control. Alone you are safe because no one can hurt you anymore, but that was just talking about fear. Power does not control her audacity to be open and vulnerable to people. That to me is real power because it takes power to give people something that you know they can use against you. I think I’ve come a long way from that now, but in many ways that fear still controls me.
I deleted my post because I think I’m typing something wrong. I’m still looking for that confirmation. Afraid of rejection
I find myself comparing myself to others. To see if I’m important enough to them. I try to find every hint of things that disapprove of our approval, even if it’s not really there
I run away and leave the server because it’s scary to be close to people and being alone is also what I’m used to. It’s safe and comfortable. I’m ruining the relationship and getting toxic because in a way, thinking people hate you is so much easier than thinking they might like and care about you. I give myself every excuse to stay away.
So my question is: how can I change this behaviour? So that I stop trying to validate people and stop thinking when they say something that sounds like rejection?
Thanks for your message. It is very good that you are looking for someone to support you and to talk to about the things you are struggling with!
You indicate that you have difficulty maintaining and entering into relationships with people, partly because of the fear of losing them or being rejected. You indicate that you are seeking approval and that you often interpret things like rejection or criticism, even if it is not intended that way. This meant that you often prefer to be alone, but now this mainly causes you stress. First, this kind of self-reflection and insight into your own behaviour requires strength and honesty. Well done! Becoming aware of your own patterns, beliefs, and coping mechanisms that make us feel sad is the first step to making the changes we need.
It sounds like keeping your distance and being alone in the past has been a coping mechanism for you. Coping mechanisms are ways we use to help us control or overcome difficult or painful experiences or emotions. While they may have worked once or provide some short-term relief, they can also cause more long-term pain or perpetuate some problems. Therefore, it may help to try to change these unhealthy coping mechanisms into healthier ones.
A good start can be to try to be aware of your beliefs about yourself the moment you experience those thoughts or feelings. How do you react when you have these thoughts? How do they make you feel? Are these thoughts helping you?
Changing our behavioural patterns or coping strategies can be difficult and requires patience and self-compassion. It can then help to talk to someone who can support you in this. Go to your doctor for a referral.
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