I would like to ask for help around a difficult situation that I am in and do not know what to do anymore. My wife no longer wants contact with my family. In recent years, there have been several instances where my parents have sometimes made blunt or veiled remarks to my wife. In addition, in certain cases, they did not take into account, for example, her dietary requirements during the Christmas dinner. When our child was born and my mother came to help she was more interested in getting rid of the laundry so that I wouldn’t have to do it after work (that’s how she said it) instead of taking care of my wife and her grandchild. This was (among other things) the last straw for my wife. She herself has a past with narcissistic parents/family with whom she is broken and does not want a repeat of that. To be seen, to be there, to be loved, etc. are important subjects for her.
By now I haven’t seen my family for over a year due to the whole situation and this is starting to break me down. I feel gloomy, yo-yo in weight (eating a lot out of emotion and then losing weight again) and have little joy in things where I felt that before. I tried to talk to my mother but she immediately becomes defensive and it was not intended that way. This just makes my wife angrier.
Despite everything, I would still like to have a relationship with my family, but I know that my wife doesn’t really approve of that. It seems to her that I don’t support her and I don’t love her; how can you still want to see them after what they did to me? I do love her, but I don’t want to lose my family. I myself had a normal childhood, but I do realize that certain things were crooked, such as my emotionally absent father and my mother who seems to have trouble with daughters-in-law (covered remarks that it is usually their fault instead of her sons).
How can I convey to my wife that I love her in spite of everything? And is it fair and not selfish that I want that?
Thank you for submitting your question. First of all, thank you for sharing your situation. You've been living between two fires for a while: your wife on the one hand and your family on the other.
You indicate that you haven't seen your family in over a year and that this is starting to break you. I can imagine that this weighs very heavily on you. You don't want to disparage your wife and want to respond to her needs, but at the same time you miss your family terribly. You also indicate where your needs lie; despite everything, you would like to bond with your family. You are actually asking two questions:
To answer question 1, I would like to advise you to make your feelings known to your wife through a conversation. To prepare for this conversation, you can read the following article: https://niceday.app/praten-over-je-sensen/. Make sure that you cannot be disturbed during this conversation and that you have enough time. Let your wife know what this whole situation is doing to you: what have you noticed about yourself since the break with your family? How would you like to see it for yourself? Listen to each other and take the time to understand each other well.
It is also important in the conversation to validate your wife's feelings, to indicate that you understand how she feels. You can read more about validating emotions in this article: https://niceday.app/en/emotional-validation-i-understand-why-you-feel-that-way/
Important: work together. You are a team. You need each other. Consider each other's needs. Also discuss what limits you will set: what do you find acceptable and where do you want to draw the line?
The moment you repeatedly go beyond your own boundaries and/or when you listen little or not at all to your own needs, unrest and tension often arise. Having a need means that you need something at that moment. If you don't get what you need, an unpleasant feeling arises. The moment you give yourself what you need, what you need, you will notice that the unpleasant feelings decrease. I immediately create a bridge to question 2: it is therefore not selfish to want to respond to the needs that you experience. It is your feeling, and your feeling is valid. No one can say anything about this.
I hope this helped you and wish you the best of luck! If you have any questions, feel free to let us know.
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