A couple of years ago I started my journey to Portugal, alone. A spontaneous decision, I bought the tickets and half a week later I sat in the plane. Not far away, not for a long time, but one of the most important journeys of my life. In this article I will tell you about my experiences and why I advise it to everyone.
Why?
After a rough period, I wanted to proof myself I was OK. That I can trust myself and that I’m responsible for my own happiness. How could I do that better than by travelling all my myself? It was a scary decision, but I did not hesitate for a second. I am not extravert and did not have a lot of experience travelling, however it did not hold me back. Just do it.
The experience
I arrived at the destination and thought to myself ‘F*ck, what did I do? Why am I here and where should I go?’ This feeling disappeared when I sat in the taxi on my way to the hostel. I had a nice conversation with the taxi driver, even though his English was poor. Also in the hostel I never felt alone, everybody was super friendly. Only at dinner I started to feel lonely: enough people talked with me but I had to eat my dinner alone. However, later I met a lot of new people and this feeling automatically disappeared. There was always someone there for me, the 60-years old businessman from Manhattan or the German psychology student. Even today I’m still friends with all these people. All in all this journey was a great success.
What did I learn?
The most important thing this experience taught me is to believe in myself. I don’t need anyone else, just myself. Daring to believe in yourself is a valuable quality which can bring you further in life on different levels. Also it gave me the opportunity to close the rough period I had and it made me move on from it. Did you experience a rough time or could you use more self confidence? Than I would surely advise you to travel on your own. No need to go far, it doesn’t have to be long, as long as it works for you.
Goal: Do you need more self confidence? Activate the ‘Do Goal’ together with your coach or caregiver and get out of your comfort zone. No need to travel, discovering a new city, a cup of coffee in a bar or going to the gym alone will also work. Describe in the ‘Feel Goal’ how it felt.
‘’This is an open letter to everyone I disappointed by not showing up, not calling back, not answering, not emailing back, lying about that I will, and not being there when you needed me.
I understand your emotions and thoughts about that. I feel them too. Disappointment, frustration, anxiety and maybe even anger.
I understand you for letting me go, not giving me a second or a third or a tenth chance. I understand you for not trusting me anymore, for closing your heart and friendship a little.
I want you to know that I am sorry I disappointed you. I know I did not have the intention to. But I also know, that sometimes that does not matter.
I want to thank you, if you are still here. If you stand by me. I know our bond could be deeper and better. And I want to give us that.
I am going to”
I wrote this letter some time ago. It represents one of the harshest struggles I have (had) with the reality of borderline, depression and anxiety. Communication.
Letting chances go by, as I lay in bed, not wanting to be a part of this world, not feeling I can do anything right or be anyone’s friend. Letting people down because I am suddenly blocked and unable to communicate. Letting anxiety and overthinking stop me from doing even the littlest things.
But, as I keep learning more and more about myself, I grow. I try to be more kind to myself. To see the whole me. To be loving and accepting.
I started to create space. Space in my life and in my head. More time and patience for difficult times and feelings, more time and patience for learning about me.
Space for what I need, for what I want, for how I feel, for what I believe in.
You have to decide, you know, that you deserve to take up space. To be here. To be you.
The struggle to communicate, for me, has its roots in fear and denial. Sure, depression and anxiety keep you from doing and wanting things, and that is real. But denying that you are feeling this way and being afraid you cannot act happy or normal whilst communicating with others, leads to not communicating even more. The moment I accepted that I feel this way sometimes and that I was allowed to feel these things, I was less afraid of communicating with others.
I have also noticed, that the more and time I give myself, the more I have for others. Well, maybe not more, but better. Better quality. More realness. I have decided to be real. And to share that with the people around me. To be honest about how I am doing and what I am feeling. Maybe not immediately, but eventually.
Giving yourself space is also about making decisions. Decisions about whether or not I want to communicate with someone, to be part of their life or project, or anything. I learned that not everything and anyone can have your attention or affection. If I want to have quality interaction; I have to choose. Only then, I can have space in my life.
And only then, I can make my intentions align with my actions; to answer, call back, email back, to show up, to not lie about how I am doing, and to be there for another.
Stay true and kind to yourself and others and most of the time your actions will align with your intentions. Which is a wonderful thing to practice.
You might recognize this: you feel uncomfortable in a room filled with a lot of people or you blush when you meet someone for the first time. It is human to feel nervous or anxious in social situations. However, there are also people who experience intense anxiety during such situations. You may be afraid to behave in a certain way or to exhibit anxiety symptoms (such as blushing, trembling or sweating). You are afraid that others will judge you negatively because of these symptoms. The fear of a negative impression also has an influence on how you come across to others. It sometimes seems like you are, for example, weird or boring, while this does not have to be the case at all! As a rule, social anxiety is characterized by fear and discomfort in many different social situations.
Do you experience social anxiety? You can improve considerably by applying the tips below! (If you still have trouble, do not hesitate and ask for help!)
Just do it!
As long as you stay at home in your safe environment and keep avoiding social situations, the fear will continue to exist. When you are anxious in a social situation, there is always a moment when the fear diminishes or even disappears. During a social situation, try to focus on this moment of decline in fear. You have to trust that this moment will happen. Once you no longer resist your fear and no longer avoid it, you learn to not be afraid of social situations anymore. The best way to get rid of your fear is to place yourself in a social situation. Before you encounter such situation, you can think to yourself: ‘What is the worst thing that can happen to me? To turn red in public? So what!!’ The more you expose yourself to social situations, the better you will be able to deal with such situations.
You matter
‘If I say something, everyone will think I am stupid.’ ‘If I start a conversation with these people, the color of my face will turn bright red.’ These are thoughts that can play up when you encounter a social situation. It is important to be aware that you have the same rights and you are just as valuable as everyone else, this means that you are not better or less than anyone else. There is no reason to compare yourself with others because you are unique in your own way! So dare to take your place and to stand up for yourself!
Create trust in yourself
In order to achieve this, it is important that your self-confidence increases. This does not happen overnight. So give yourself some time, your self-confidence needs time to grow. Now we are back at point 1 ‘Just do it.’ Go out of your comfort zone and show yourself that you can do it. Before you leave your comfort zone, you can think of a situation from the past where you have succeeded in dealing well with your fear. You must have relied on yourself back then, otherwise you did not come to that victory! Perhaps the sweat broke you out a number of times during social situations, but no one is flawless. After all, we are only human!
You must have given a presentation once in your life for a group of people. A lot of people find it scary to do. There is a difference, of course, between how scary someone thinks it is. Giving a presentation is something most of us only do when we are forced. Being nervous is something that comes with it, but how does this feeling come to you? And what can you do about it?
Attention
If you are nervous you can get a feeling of anxiety. Because of this feeling you only pay attention to yourself. You are focused on how you feel, how other people react or how you interpret other people’s reactions, and you wonder if you are talking loud enough. In short: you are thinking too much during the presentation. This thinking does not help you get rid of the anxious feelings.
Tips to relax
Why do you think it is scary to do? What are you most afraid of? Will you still suffer from this in a year?
- Do not prepare the presentation in details
If you prepare the presentation in details you are going to focus only on what you have to say. If you forget something you, you will panic. This is because you are trying to remember what to say according to your preparations. When you do not prepare the text in detail but only figure out what you want to say, you may feel more relaxed. Try to write down statements, rather than the whole story! - Doing your best is good enough
Often people strive to a super performance. However, try to satisfied with the result. You are doing your best! Remember that no presentation can be perfect, there are always things that could have been ‘better’ or ‘different’. This brings us to the next point. - Accept that there can be criticism on your presentation
Not everybody has to like your presentation. Do not take it personal. Everybody has another opinion and everyone is free too have one. - Practicing
By practicing a lot you will gain more feeling for presenting. Because of this you will get more confidence and the anxiety will decrease.
“Actually, I would rather not go to your brother’s birthday,” I said to my partner, “but of course I would like to join anyway.” “What? What do you mean? ” She said a bit frustrated. “If you do not want to come, you do not need to. Do not feel obligated! ” “No, I do want to come!” I said. The beginning of a quarrel seemed inevitable.
My shadow side
Of course it is at times very confusing with me. It happens quite often that I say opposite things; that I want something and at the same time do not want it. That is,not only very incomprehensible, annoying and frustrating for me, but especially for outsiders, family, friends and especially for my partner.
I do not really want to go to social gatherings because of my anxiety. I do not like to go to places where there are many people. Then I feel watched, anxious, insecure and failed. I have an ache in my stomach, need to go the toilet ten times and become stiffen. Preferably I crawl in my safe bubble and stay at home. But at the same time I want to get out of the house, be among people. I love people! Personally, I am very social.
I am actually an extrovert person. But alas one with traumas. Because of these traumas I have developed an anxiety and avoidance personality disorder. This combination often causes conflicting feelings, thoughts and behavior. Out of my anxiety I avoid many activities, but I am not happy with that. To talk about this to other people is a difficult matter because it is so confusing. Confusing for me and for them. “Do you want it or not?” They ask me, slightly annoyed. They do not know how to deal with my conflicting behavior. “You do not need to if you do not want to … ” they’ll say angrily. “I do and I don’t” I reply. This often leads to misunderstanding, impatience and sometimes even to quarrels. People feel personally addressed, indignant or even attacked.
My mad whims
You cannot always see it at a glance. Sometimes I am just plain old me, super relaxed, nothing wrong. But sometimes a single word, sound or smell can trigger my trauma. Then suddenly my eyes wet, I can not utter a word and you see me swallow away “something” with a distorted face. Sometimes I burst into tears full out. That is very embarrassing; the others often are too. It also can happen that I freeze with big eyes, crawl into myself and react like a robot. Or I just respond in panic and suddenly run away. Just for no reason. So I look a bit weird sometimes!
In other situations I can become quite over-stimulated. When people are around me for too long a time, my anxiety makes me feel super exhausted – even if it is my own beloved partner! My ‘alarm system’ will then be on high alert for too long. I know that it is not necessary, but I feel very anxious and tense anyway. After a while I become quiet and wary, overly sensitive and enormously tired. I close up, away from the world, and to others I come across as distant and uninterested. For the outsider it seems that I do not want to be social, that I do not like the other person or something like that. They often take it too personally. And that gives quite a lot of tension in relationships.
It would be nice if I could warn the other person in such situations and explain what happens in my body and brain. That I can indicate in a neutral way that I do not do it deliberately, that I do not respond with a reason or intention. That I would rather have wanted to be different myself too. It would help me a lot if I could make it clear that it is not the responsibility of the other person and certainly is not aimed at the other person. The other person could then understand that he does not have to take it personally, just need to be open to my ‘mad whims’.
Code word
My partner and I have come up with a code word that can provide a solution. The mentioning of such a word when I act a bit strange, takes away a lot of misunderstanding and frustration. When I say that word, she knows that she does not have to feel offended or attacked when I show strange behavior again, when I say one thing and want another. When she hears the code word she plainly accepts the situation, because she knows that it is not me personally but that it is my condition that affects me. Because of this we both feel less guilty and peace can return quite quickly.
My code word is therefore ‘mad whims’ and really is a blessing. When I feel anxious but still want to go to a party, for example, I do not have to cover up my feelings and anxious irrational attitude. I also do not have to lie about it. By saying that I am suffering from my mad wims, me and the other can distinguish between myself as a person and myself as a patient – to say it a bit dramatically. When I use that word, my partner knows that what I feel and say at that moment can be incomprehensible, contradictory or weird. That it can even sound very blunt.
Lately I even use my code word with family and friends. It makes them not feel indignant when I seem not to respond socially enough. Because of this, they do not attack me in order to defend themselves, or step into a helping role and make them feel obligated. All I want is them to accept the situation.
As soon as I say ‘mad whims’, people now know that they do not have to interpret my sometimes strange behavior in a personal manner. Its says, what is happening is nobody’s fault. It’s just as it is. That way I can keep the conversation light and open. That way they can respond neutrally and ask questions out of interest how I’m experiencing it. There is also room for them to say how they experience it. Or just give each other a hug and accept what there is. By agreeing a code word, the relations become a lot easier.
With healthy tension, I opened the classroom door. Bang! I saw a bunch of noisy people in a small room. 28 Eyes looking at me. Anxiety hits me!
Within a fraction of a second I became stressed out. I quickly gazed down, and made myself smaller. Uncomfortable as a schoolboy I wriggled with my briefcase: unobtrusively I tried to get my stuff out while sweat was pouring from my back. I wanted to be invisible. Rather run away. But there I was, being a little loser.
“Take control!” I thought. “Act, now! Not privy but firm, with strength “, it shouted through my head. “Oh, this will go wrong,” said the critic, “you can’t do it.” At this point I really started to panic. “Did you not learn anything from all those years of therapy?” I wondered. “It’s alright’’ said the merciful, “it will be fine.” I took a deep breath.
And then it happened: I made a decision. I straightened my back, straightened my head and looked around the classroom. I consciously took possession of the space. I took the time to watch everyone. With eye contact I said ‘good evening, I’m the teacher’. Super scary, but it felt good too. I felt proud and with this, my confidence strengthened. ‘’I always find it a bit scary, the first lesson’’ I stated. People nodded confirming with understanding. The ice broke and I got into my role. In my thoughts, I thanked my drama therapist.
Plagued by fear
That used to be different: I used to be plagued by fear. I used to run away and crawl under a rock. It took a lot of time before I dared to try again. I have had a lot of therapy, including cognitive therapy. That was a good way to become aware of the distorted way I apparently looked at the world, to others and to myself. My social fear came from such a wrong way of thinking. The fear, in turn, reinforced this distorted way. Thus, I was stuck in this vicious circle. Cognitive therapy definitely reduced my extreme fears, but it all remained, well, very cognitive, too rational. And I was already living too much in my head. I was like a head on two feet that had an anxious body hanging down.
Introduction to drama therapy
So, I came to drama therapy. What a difference it was. There was a lot of attention to the physical aspect of my social anxiety. Here I learned to be in concrete existence, to be socially present with all my being: soul and body – to state it a bit zen. But drama therapy was not vague at all: it was super concrete instead. Social situations were elaborated and practised. At first I thought that it would be oh so dramatic and theatrical. Yes, sometimes there were a lot of tears, hard words, intense emotions. Of course, the events discussed were real painful events, from my own experiences and the group’s own experiences.
But we also did games often. Yes games! As children do in the playground. Super scary if you have a social phobia. Fooling around, making strange sounds, or chair dancing, playing hints, and more socially visible activities – exposure! My traumas were triggered, but those games often led to hilarious moments too. So, I learned to recognize the playful child in my mind and let it go free. Something I have never learned to make room for in my life.
Moving forward
Drama therapy was already very confrontational, socially visible and emotional. But above all, it was very instructive and helpful to me. I learned to use my body, to get used to live in my body. Practice time and again with presence, visibility and experience what you feel about a situation, how your body responds, was very helpful and healing. After two years I personally changed, both in my thinking and in my body. My body and mind are again one – to say it in a wishy washy way.
“Fantastic!” You would say. Pfff, unfortunately no. It is not so sunny all the time. Fear will always be a part of my life. That remains a bitter pill to swallow. However, as soon as I experience panic feelings in social situations, I can give it a place in my body. I can trust that I can stand and that I will remain. And if I accidentally stumble, fall into fear and tremble, I’ll straighten my back, lift my head, look straight into the room around me and breathe deeply. I dare to come and enter rooms again.
