It all started well: relatively few complaints, enjoying the pregnant feeling, shopping for the baby and of course relaxing! But there, the thunderbolt in a clear sky: the feeling after the birth. My little girl came into the world through caesarean section, I was very upset about this beforehand. And when she was finally placed on my chest I felt … nothing. No joy, no emotions, while my dear husband stood beside us in tears. Later, in the room, I suddenly realized: I am responsible for this little person. And after the compulsory rest days in the hospital, we could finally go home. Wonderful: finally my own bed and nice maternity help. I wanted to enjoy it, but I didn’t enjoy it at home either.

I shouldn’t feel this way

There was day 7 of the maternity week, I was talking to my husband and suddenly I could hardly say a word anymore. Apart from yes and no, nothing came out. Before I knew it there was an ambulance at the door. After having done all kinds of tests we had to go to the hospital. Just got home and now I had to go back to hospital … After all sorts of examinations and conversations, the redeeming word: it was a neurological short circuit, as they described it so beautifully.

The day my daughter was allowed to go outside for the first time was the day she had to pick up her care depended mother from the hospital. This made me very sad. I felt that I wasn’t taking care of her well enough. Unfortunately, the days that followed did not go better either. I didn’t feel like doing anything, had a lot of negative thoughts, became more and more anxious, suffered from dizziness, didn’t want to be alone and certainly not go outside. Slowly but surely, I lost myself. I no longer recognized myself. That enthusiastic woman, who loved being with people and doing many things, was now crying at home. Again it felt like I couldn’t take care of my baby, I didn’t do anything good for my feeling. After a few weeks the conclusion came: “this is not good. I shouldn’t feel this way. “

To the doctor for a referral

After consulting my husband, I decided to call the doctor for an appointment. It was a difficult conversation, I had to say out loud that I felt something was wrong, that I didn’t feel like a good mother. After some very confronting questions and a lot of tears I got my referral to the psychologist.

I was very happy that they were going to call me for an appointment. Because I don’t know if I had dared it at that time, I had such a hard time calling the doctor, calling the psychologist was an other step. Shortly thereafter I received a call and my first appointment was quickly planned. I step inside the building and take a seat in the waiting room. After some waiting, I am picked up from the waiting room and uncomfortably I walk behind the lady to her office, I take a seat and we start: can you tell me what your complaints are? Tears jump in my eyes directly. I found it hard to say that I feel a pathetic heap and worse: a bad mother. Before this I was a strong woman. She reassures me and it soon became clear that I had a postnatal depression. I immediately thought: “this can’t be true, what have I done wrong?” Fortunately, it soon became clear to me that this is something that happens to you and is definitely not something that you cause yourself.

How do I continue from here?

“You can treated here, but the waiting list is currently at 8 months.” What do I have to do in the meantime, I think. And before I can finish my thoughts, I get a proposal. She asks if I am interested in a digital treatment. Everything was already so scary, I only wanted to agree if I could remain on the regular waiting list if I decided to join the digital treatment. Fortunately that was possible! I would receive an email with additional information so that I could read a bit about how it works. The mail arrived the next day and I thought it was okay. After a week I scheduled my first digital appointment: I’m going to work via NiceDay.

We, humans, are curious. And that is good. It is in our nature to keep learning and discovering. Human beings would prefer to know everything and experience everything.  A perfect and happy life, that’s what we are striving for. Sometimes, however, we can go too far in this and we feel uncomfortable if we are not at a specific place.Feelings of sadness, fear and regret may arise if you have made a choice and are therefore not present at that one party. This phenomenon is also known as FOMO, or Fear Of Missing Out, and is associated with fatigue, stress, sleeping problems and psychosomatic complaints.

FOMO

The fear of missing things has become a well-known concept since the rise of smartphones. Because we are online 24/7 and have access to an infinite amount of information, many people are chronically busy with being up to date. Scrolling through Facebook and Instagram and reading news messages day in day out is nothing new to many people. We are in direct contact with each other every day and this probably also contributes to the existence of FOMO. Posts on social media often revolve around the best parties, the best outfits, the best vacation destinations and having the best time. When you constantly see this, you may experience the urge to experience it all. You feel pressured to also live your best life. Everything must be a fantastic experience!

Cause of FOMO

The cause of FOMO is probably the experience of regret. Regret is a negative feeling and is sometimes referred to as the most annoying negative emotion. It can be confronting that you have made a wrong choice and you can endlessly worry about what would have happened if you had made a different choice. What can contribute to the negative feelings is social media. Suppose you were not aware of a certain party and you suddenly feel bad that you are not there. You go on Instagram and you see posts of how fantastic the party is. This is going to make to feel worse and sad and now you want to keep track of everything that is happening at the party. Because of this you end up in a vicious circle, because you see even more “perfect” posts and you get the feeling that there is even more that you have missed out.

What can you do when you experience FOMO?

Think about what makes you happy. Partying 24/7 may seem appealing, but there are more things that can make you happy! A relaxing evening on the couch can contribute to your well-being as much as a fun party. Also remember that social media paints a distorted picture of the reality. All posts are snapshots, don’t forget that. Someone’s life is not perfect solely because they have a nice looking Instagram account with interesting pictures. Such a glamorous, perfect and happy life is not realistic and it is therefore not necessary to strive for it. Find happiness within yourself!

NiceDay

Do you notice that you sometimes experience negative feelings when you have missed something? Fill in a G-scheme in the NiceDay app to investigate what an event like this does to you!

We usually think that gaming is bad for children and adolescents. Often we assume that it will make children aggressive and antisocial. In addition, they can also become addicted to it. However, a number of studies have shown that videogames can in fact help with the treatment of depression and anxiety complaints. Some researchers even believe that gaming sometimes can be as helpful as regular therapy.

Advantages of gaming

Playing is important for the development of our brains. This also applies to playing games digitally, also know as gaming. A video from the NRC shows that gaming can make you smarter and keep your brain healthy. Gaming is good for:

• Eye-hand coordination
• Perseverance
• Responsiveness
• Random access memory
• Patience
• Problem solving ability
• Collaboration
• Spatial awareness
• Creativity
• Learning the English language

By playing games you can learn new skills quickly. For example, the US Army uses videogames to psychologically prepare soldiers for stressful situations.

Adolescents and gaming

In the last few years, more games have been developed by behavioural scientists with the aim of preventing psychological issues or as a therapy for psychological problems. Especially young people with depression or anxiety complaints can benefit from this. It is beneficial for them because games are able to do something that is sometimes difficult with normal therapy: to fascinate young people for a long time.

Games can be a good addition to regular therapy for young people. Gaming is part of the youth culture and in addition, it is easy to participate in games. There is also no stigma on gaming. And there are also no waiting lists that need to be taken into account.

Gaming and depression later in life

In addition American researchers have discovered a link between the use of mobile games and the treatment of depression later in life. This research was done at the University of Washington. According to the researchers, old people with depression benefit more from a game-oriented app that stimulates the human’s natural neurological ability to process multiple information flows simultaneously than regular conversation therapy. The reason is because such an app or game focuses on the cause of the depression rather than the symptoms associated with it.

The future games and depression treatment

Although several studies have concluded that gaming is a helpful tool to treat anxiety and depression, there still needs to be done a lot to further develop these games. After all, developing videogames is not cheap and more research is needed to find out what the psychological effects are and how big these effects are. Unfortunately, that is also expensive and takes time.

It can be very difficult to manage an anxiety disorder. You may be afraid of spiders, you fear the dentist or you do whatever it takes in order not to give a presentation. Sounds familiar? Luckily, there are some tips to help you!

The best way to get rid of your anxiety disorder is by actively confronting your anxiety. This is called exposure. You learn to temper your anxiety by purposely experiencing feared situations. This does not sounds easy at all for someone with an anxiety disorder. Confronting your anxiety is actually the complete opposite of what you always have been doing. This can activate a lot of negative emotions and all of your senses want to guide you into a different direction: avoid it!

What can you do about it?

Something that can help confronting your anxiety disorder, is the right mindset. A mindset is a certain believe how to look at situations and how to manage them. Luckily, a mindset is pretty flexible and can be adjusted by others and even by yourself! So how do you change your mindset en how does a mindset contribute to confronting my anxiety disorder?

Convince yourself!
Your mindset creates certain expectations. This can either be positive or negative. Having a convinced believe that your feelings of anxiety will decrease because of the confrontation of your anxiety disorder, will do a lot! Convince yourself that exposure is effective and create a positive mindset. This causes some physical effects. Your heart rate and blood pressure will start decreasing, which in turn lowers the intensity of the negative feelings. Informing yourself about exposure can help to convince yourself. Search for information about exposure therapy and read personal experiences of other people. Or you can read one of our other blogs about anxiety disorders!

Shift your attention
A negative mindset creates tunnel vision. Your focus lies on the negative aspects and this makes the confrontation of your anxiety disorder even harder. Compare the confrontation with planning to exercise. You want to go to the gym but at the same time you are also a bit lazy. You have to push yourself to still go and exercise, but you actually prefer skipping it. To get you of the couch, it can help shifting your attention from your current negative mood to the expected positive mood after having exercised. Think about how you will feel when you still would go to exercise, despite the reluctance. Would you still feel negativity or would you for example feel proud or happy you actually went to the gym? This also applies to confronting your anxiety. Focus your attention to the expected positive feelings after the confrontation to motivate yourself getting into action!

NiceDay

Plan an event that is not in your comfort zone when you are going to confront your anxiety. You can mention your thoughts about the event and which feelings you expect to experience. Try to list a fearful expectation and a rational expectation. Did you manage to do the event? Reflect on this by checking whether the experienced feelings match your expectations.

The contemporary relationship

The world is changing and relationships take on new forms. Especially millennials have more choice regarding finding a partner: in the past you could just found your future wife between ten other women on the dancefloor, but now you have the opportunity to admire and choose from thousands of women through apps like Tinder. The effect is that we have higher standards when it comes to having a partner: “we have so many options!”. Because of this transformation in our perspective of starting a relationship we also change the way we organise our relationship.

Esther Perel (psychotherapist, expert on human relationships) spoke about the new standards of contemporary intimacy and love with 2500 millennials. As a result of this conference she invented the word ‘stable ambiguity’. We want a partner because we don’t want to be alone. But we also want to keep our freedom and don’t want to invest a lot of time and money in our partner, especially when we feel that we need to focus on our own development and might have a better partner awaiting us. Maybe you both think about the relationship in the same way. But what if this ‘ambiguous’ vision on the relationship is not something you can share with your partner? Then this will be at the expense of the partner who does wánt to invest in the relationship.

How to limit feelings of heartbreak for the partner you are breaking up with

What happens if you have another perspective on the relationship? And you want to end it because it is not working out? By changing the way we organise our relationship we also change the way we break up with someone. We disappear and create a physical distance (‘I am busy but you will hear from me!’) and then send our partners an app to stop being in contact. Or we “ghost them” and hope that the other one will just get the hint. Or we do something that is in between: the relationship will simmer and we will only hang out on my conditions. When the break-up is definitely at issue it will cause a lot of heartache and stress to the one that is being broken up with. These kinds of break-ups will also cause uncertainty about the situation and makes you fill in the gaps. It doesn’t necessarily needs to be this way though.

Now we can virtually escape a difficult situation, it is the least preferable way to end a relationship. How can you end a relationship and make sure the other one doesn’t experience heartbreak too much?

• Try to empathise. Ask yourself: what if someone wanted to break up with me? What would I want to know and what would I need?
• Take time to thank someone, to show them what they meant to you. This positive feedback will show that your (ex) partner has important qualities.
• Explain why you don’t feel there is a match (anymore).

This way you give more clarity about your reasons to end it. It will cause your partner to experience closure. On top of that you both step into a next relationship with more wisdom and experience.

Do you feel anxious thinking about breaking up with someone?

When there’s no turning back and you decided to end things, this can also cause distress and pain. Do you have these kinds of feelings and are you afraid of breaking up with someone? Is this fear getting you to ‘freeze’ and you just want to send a quick message to be done with it? Try to make a G-scheme (https://niceday.app/g-schema-angst/). With the help of a G-scheme you will get an insight of your feelings, thoughts and behaviour. You can explore if your fear is well-founded or not.

The first panic attack is unexpected, but after that you start fearing a repeat. You are afraid to get in a situation where you are not able to prevent a panic attack and start to avoid certain situations. The longer you wait to treat panic attacks, the more symptoms you might experience and the more it will affect your life. But how do you deal with it? We want to help you.

Control and awareness

The harder you try to restrain the panic attacks, the more difficult it gets. You start focusing on the problem, whereby you might let  yourself get dragged into it. Instead, try to let go of your fears and look for distraction. This does not mean you should avoid anxious situations! Be aware of the problem and prepare yourself for it: Describe in a diary how you feel before, during and after a panic attack. Confront yourself and consider what you could do to change the situation.

Rest and mindfulness

If you have had a panic attack before, you probably know how anxious it could be being alone at this moment. During a panic you lose trust in yourself, this is why you crave a different form of control. Tell someone you trust about your panic attacks and ask them if they can support you in case of a panic attack. In this way it will be less scary to tackle the panic.

Also mindfulness can help you to get control. Mindfulness helps you to control your  breathing and gives you the opportunity to get your fears in perspective. Are your fears based on anything (or are you talking yourself into it)? Clear your head and get back down to earth. Next to that, when you suffer from panic attacks most likely, you’ re not breathing properly. Tension in your body has a big effect on your breathing, it can reduce your breath ability with 30 percent. So focusing on your breath will help a lot, try for example this exercise.

Lifestyle and caffeine

If you do not feel well, you get more sensitive. A healthy lifestyle keeps your hormone system in balance. Eat healthy, exercise enough, go to bed on time and relax enough. Try not to drink that much caffeine, since the physical effects of caffeine can make you more sensitive for a panic attack.

Coaching

Maybe you are ashamed of your panic attacks, or you believe it is temporary. However, it is better to seek help, together we are stronger than alone! A coach can help you get to the roots of you panic attack and together you can look for possible solutions. Click here for more information about online help via NiceDay.

Lately you feel less and less happy. You often feel sad, you have little energy and you experience sleep. On top of that, you find yourself feeling constantly tense and you suffer from unexplained physical symptoms such as a headache, back pain or nausea. You decide to go to the family doctor, and he refers you to a psychologist. The psychologist advises you to take things a bit easier at work, and asks if you can come in every week during office hours. However, how are you going to talk about this at work? Will they take you seriously? You are not ‘really sick’, right?

Unfit for work

It is not so long ago that people with psychological problems were declared unfit for work almost automatically. There are still many prejudices about people with psychological complaints or disorders. It is being said that they do not handle their work well and are ill often. In this way, you are doubted as a person. It is therefore quite logical that many people still prefer not to talk about their mental complaints or illness at work.

Being open about your psychological complaints at work

However, it is best for your recovery to be open about your psychological problems at work. In this way, it can be taken into account for work-related issues. What can help with this is to first talk about it with a close colleague. This colleague will probably understand and support you. This lowers the threshold for telling your boss and possibly other colleagues.

What to tell your boss?

Before you tell your boss, there are a number of tips that you could take with you. Consider what you want to say exactly in advance. Also think about what you need within your job for your recovery. So make clear agreements about this and do not be persuaded to do something that you do not fully support. For example, do you want to work on fewer projects, fewer responsibilities, or focus more on what you really like? Who knows, maybe you can also work a little less if this helps you. Do not be afraid to discuss this with your boss, because your boss also wants you to recover quickly. This does only good to your productivity! Maybe your boss can also help you to tell other colleagues, for example during a meeting or in an e-mail. This promotes understanding in most cases. Who knows, maybe there are more colleagues with psychological problems and you can help each other.

What to do in case of a negative reaction?

Maybe you are worried that your boss will react negatively to your psychological symptoms. In this case try to empathize with his role: how would you react if you were in his position? Probably you would only be worried about your employee. Keep this in mind during the conversation. Yet it is possible that his first reaction is not as positive as you had hoped. Be aware that from an outside point of view, you can not see how you feel. Maybe your boss finds it hard to understand that you are have trouble. Try to explain the situation as well as possible. Give him enough time to respond. Probably he needs to get used to it for a while and will react differently later on.

Going to work with psychological complaints: is this possible?

Sometimes, working can also help a lot in recovering from psychological problems. Work offers structure, social contacts and appreciation, all points that can contribute enormously to psychological recovery and quality of life. From 2013, more and more is being done to get people with a mental illness to work and to keep them at work, and people talk about it more and more. Fortunately, psychological problems are understood and supported better and better on the work floor. Being open about your complaints can help tremendously in creating understanding within your boss and your colleagues. In this way, you can be more accountable if, for example, you would like to work less or would like to do less demanding assignments.

NiceDay app

Plan in your Daily Planner when you want to discuss your psychological complaints with your boss and / or colleague. Write down in your Diary what exactly you would like to discuss during this conversation. Do you find it difficult?

Some days I am so fed up about my anxious existence. Then I long for a normal life.

Recently I received an email from my girlfriend with a reference to a lecture that she thought I would find interesting. Lecture Recovery and Philosophy, provided by the Phrenos knowledge center. One of the speakers is the philosopher Paul Moyaert, whom I well know. Yes, I want to go there, I thought enthusiastically, my intellectual spirit awoke cheerfully. Immediately I felt a pain in my stomach. The blood drew out of my head and nauseously I got stuck to my chair.

Would like to, but can’t

I realized once again how my anxiety disorder so often makes it impossible for me to just live my life, to do what I want to do and to enjoy it. That is so frustrating and exhausting. After stressing out, falling tears and a lot of support from my girlfriend, I eventually went to that lecture!

Lecture Paul Moyaert

Super conscious of myself, I walked stiffly into the auditorium. I was abnormally early, as usual. I hid my anxious gaze, sat down in the almost empty room and waited. The host was Wouter Kusters, whom I also know, and he introduced Paul Moyaert. When this Flemish thinker started talking my attention focused and my fears faded away.

Recovery

With fire, he explained that the concept of ‘recovery’, although he intended to think and act less in terms of the disease, is still a word that implicitly refers to what is thought to be normal. Recovery is after all a movement back to acting normal, being normal and feeling okay again. In this way, the recovery movement and the need to recover will still be caught up in medical discourse. A discourse of illness as being deviant and abnormal, with healing as the only way to go.

Criticism on the DSM-V

Moyaert’s criticism on the DSM-V, for example, is that the symptoms and diagnoses are formulated in negative terms. In terms of what someone can no longer do well, that someone can no longer think normal or that the feeling of a sick person is no longer in balance. Each diagnosis is determined from a shortage, a deviation, from what is abnormal and unhealthy. And that is according to Moyaert an intellectual poverty of the entire DSM project. With this we do no justice to the person with a disorder.

What should we do instead?

His message was, briefly stated, that we should try to express symptoms, diagnoses and experiences in positively formulated terms. That we must guide, help and support those with a disorder based on what they do feel, think, act and experience themselves. That the person is helped best based on their own good and bad qualities to live their lives, to be able to develop and grow, and to learn to improve their quality of life. Because of this, people with a condition do not have to feel abnormal anymore or feel excluded from the normal world. This way we can learn to live with our own lives based on our own lives.

My own normal

The inspiring lecture by Paul Moyaert ended and the intermission started. My eyes caught all those people. Fear gripped me firmly again and I wanted to flee. But to leave midway would not be normal. Suddenly I thought completely enlightened: it is fine to leave halfway. That is not abnormal for me. After all, I have to struggle with my fears. And look, I have left the house and went to an interesting lecture all by myself! I did something that I value and enjoy, no matter how hard that is for me. Not having to do what other people find normal. I can confirm to my own normal and just go and leave, go find safety at my home. It’s all good this way.

Every year on October 10th we pay some extra attention to the subject of mental health. The World Health Organization has named this day World Mental Health Day. In this year’s theme: young people and mental health in a changing world.

In the Netherlands we do pretty well regarding mental health. From age 12 and older, almost 89% say they feel psychologically healthy. Young people: between 12 and 16 years old are doing even better, 95% say they feel mentally healthy. These are nice percentages, so why is such a dedicated day still needed?

What does ‘mentally healthy’ mean?

The percentages sound positive but they don’t tell you everything. The concept of being  ‘mentally healthy’ is difficult to describe. For example, you may not feel well but you still feel mentally healthy.

Furthermore, you don’t necessarily have to suffer from mental health problems your whole life. In the Netherlands, 43.5% of the population ever struggled with mental health complaints. Also, no less than 34% to 50% of the Dutch population has an increased risk of developing an anxiety disorder or depression. It is good to be aware of this so that something can be done about it!

Young people and mental health

Many young people suffer from mental health complaints such as stress, worrying and sleep deprivation. This could be caused, by for example, being ‘online’ all the time via social media like Whatsapp and Instagram. Also, more and more of Dutch youth suffer from a game addiction or problematic social media use. And did you know that half of all mental disorders start around the age of 14? Therefore, prevention at a young age is important. Recognizing the problem and talking about it is the first step.

A special day

It’s not surprising that there is one special day in the year to reflect on mental health. An international day helps to discuss mental health issues and break the taboo. On top of that, it helps to create awareness regarding these problems. It’s a good time to reflect on your own mental health, also at times when you feel well. We can be grateful for that!

NiceDay: Pay attention to your mental health, for example by writing down in the diary in the NiceDay-app how you are doing. Also write down the positive things!

This article is a follow-up to this article. We reluctantly drove over that field. I felt all those eyes on us and it got super suffocating. In a corner we parked the van and set up our camp timidly. We were hiding behind our van. When we hid there it was okay, and we even forgot that there were others. But you can not avoid it. When you had to go to the toilet or get water you had to walk past all those people, people who look, nod, say something or even want to have a chat. The tension increased more and more. I tried to endure it, to suck it up, to let it slip, to ignore it. But of course, that didn’t work out.

Panic

In the afternoon we made a long walk. That was nice. We relaxed and felt the freedom, silence and peace of mind which we apparently needed so badly. We could be ourselves again and we were happy. Until we had to go back to the van to go back to the campsite. Dark clouds were gathering together. I started the van but less than a hundred meters further I started to panic, I did not know where to go. Then I drove the van to the side of the road. I looked straight ahead with frightened eyes. ‘What is the matter’, my girlfriend asked, and the crying started. Helplessly I was trapped in my fear. I just could not handle it anymore.

You can always leave

My girlfriend, my dear, comforted me and reminded me of the rule that we agreed on: if one of us can’t cope anymore, we will just go, without questioning, whining or complaining. Through my tears I saw her emphatic smile. The acceptance, security and love gave me the ground to stand upon again.
I started the van and we drove to the campsite relieved. The panic was lulled, the anguish disappeared without feeling guilty or weak. This is what we do so well. I am quite proud of that. How well we succeed every time dealing with my fears or her autism. We not only accept how we are, we also say yes wholeheartedly to each other, with all our disorders, our limitation and our problems. We give each other unconditional security so that we can be who we are, do things or try something new. We do not mind if it goes wrong. Our love is also unconditional so that we can deal with our disability and disruptions without shame. It is all good and if not then still, we often say to each other.

Self-mockery

And self-mockery, that is also our strength. At the campsite we drove very slowly, gaudy and mockingly observing the central social campeniers field. We laughed like two jolly toddlers while we were demonstratively packing our things. While we saw the others looking at us, we took it a step further and made a caricature of ourselves. We acted our most psychologically disordered behaviors. Absurdism at its peak! Cheerful, happy and free from fear we left and left this ‘oh so cozy campsite’.

We were on our way back home. Hell had closed its gates again and the rain stopped falling within us. To reward ourselves for our fantastic coping strategy, we decided to go out for a lovely dinner in Amerongen before we went into the night together.