Compassion is an emotional response of feeling deep empathy, and care for the suffering and misfortune of someone else. It involves recognizing the pain or difficulties of another person, feeling moved by their experience, and taking steps to help, support, or provide comfort. Self-compassion means to extend this to your own experiences of suffering or when you feel like you’ve failed. For many of us, offering support to a friend or family member comes naturally—we are kind, supportive, and comforting. The idea of self-compassion is to create an internal voice that is encouraging like a friend.

Why is self-compassion a challenge (the inner critic)?

Everyone has that part of themselves that continuously observes, monitors, and comments on their actions and the world around them. Humans tend to think negatively. This can result in a harsh critical inner voice that affects how you feel and see the world. Some self-criticism is very normal and healthy. It helps to reflect, avoid mistakes and stay motivated. Too much self-criticism, however, can cause more negative emotions, or even lead to depressive complaints, anxiety, shame, guilt or strong dissatisfaction with your work or relationship.

When your inner voice is constantly harsh, it can make you feel worthless, like a failure, and keep you feeling stressed.

What is self compassion?

It can be tough to completely get rid of the harsh inner voice. However, it can be helpful to practise self-compassion to create a healthier balance. When you are soothed and comforted by self-compassion, it becomes easier to relate to painful feelings in a healthy way. Research shows that using self-compassion, you develop greater resilience and emotional balance, you manage challenges better and lower your stress. When your inner voice becomes more like a supportive friend, you’ll feel safer and more accepted. This will make it easier to face reality and make the changes needed to be healthier and happier.

Researcher Neff says there are 3 important components to learn self compassion and help you combat self criticism:

  • Self-Kindness. Self-kindness means treating yourself with care and understanding rather than harsh judgement. It’s acceptance of yourself while in pain. It involves taking actions to soothe and comfort yourself. This helps create a nurturing internal environment, where you are able to support yourself through difficult times.
  • Common humanity. Recognising that your experiences including pain and failure are part of being a human. Part of this also means to accept that life is imperfect and us as individuals too! By acknowledging that your suffering is not abnormal and you are not alone can help you feel connected to others and provide you comfort.
  • Mindfulness. Mindfulness involves being aware of and acknowledging your emotions without exaggerating or ignoring them. It means that you create space for your feelings, allowing yourself to experience them fully without judgement, even if they are painful.

By practising self-compassion you can learn to become your own best friend!

Sources: 

Attachment is a long-term psychological bond between two people. It is said that forming a (deep) emotional bond with others is an important element of our human nature and social needs. When we talk about attachment, we primarily refer to childhood and the attachment to parental figures. A parental figure can also be someone other than one of your parents. This attachment forms an important foundation for later in life and has a significant influence on your self-confidence, interpersonal relationships, autonomy, sense of meaning, and self-acceptance.

Attachment styles

There are several different attachment styles. These have specific characteristics in childhood but can also have certain consequences in adulthood.

In a secure attachment style, as a child, you are comfortable to separate from your parents but seek them out when you feel anxious. You prefer contact with your parents and respond positively to this contact. This is because your parents manage to make you feel safe, include emotion in communication, and consistently respond well to your needs as a child. Even if they miss signals from you or make a mistake, they actively ensure reconciliation. Later in life, this leads to self-confidence, the ability to maintain relationships more easily, the courage to share feelings or seek social support, and resilience in the face of setbacks.

In the anxious/ambivalent attachment style, as a child, you are wary of strangers and become stressed when your parents leave and are very clingy. However, when your parents return, you often do not feel comforted. This may be because your parents were inconsistent in responding to your needs; sometimes they were (emotionally) available, but sometimes they were absent or distracted. Later in life, this can make it difficult for you to trust others. You may be clingy or repeatedly seek validation and attention, struggle with boundaries, find space in a relationship stressful, and even become manipulative to keep someone close. Such a relationship can take over your life, leading you to derive all your self-worth from it.

In the avoidant attachment style, as a child, you may avoid your parents or not actively seek contact or comfort from them. You are indifferent in your preference for strangers or your parents. This may be because your parents were absent or even rejected you. You have learned to distance yourself emotionally and comfort yourself, creating a great deal of independence. Later in life, this can lead to keeping emotional distance in relationships and even distancing yourself further when someone tries to get closer. You may come across as cold or closed off to others because you are not comfortable with your own emotions. This may make it feel like you want more superficial casual relationships when, in fact, you have a deeper-rooted fear of intimacy.

In the disorganized attachment style, as a child, you may have been exposed to highly variable situations. For example, your parents, due to their own mental problems, may have caused both strong anxiety while also being able to comfort you. You may also have been completely ignored, traumatized by chaotic or unpredictable behavior, or been a victim of abuse or neglect. You may have taken on a more parental role yourself as a child. Later in life, this can make intimate relationships very confusing or unsettling, leading to strong fluctuating emotions. In a relationship, you rarely feel safe or worthy of receiving love and are afraid of getting hurt. This can result in selfish, controlling, and explosive behavior towards your partner, but sometimes manifests as self-destructive behavior such as substance abuse.

Sources: 

Insecurity is a form of anxiety related to the expectations that others have of you or expectations you have set for yourself. When you feel insecure, it may feel like you are less able or are even lesser than others. It is a socially-oriented emotion where you are afraid of not being accepted or respected. It is very human to feel insecure, but when you feel insecure often or for a long period of time, it can lead you to regularly doubt yourself, not trust your own decisions, rely heavily on others, or avoid social contact because you feel inferior. Ultimately, it can also lead to fear of failure, loneliness, low self-esteem, or even problems in relationships and career.

Consequences of insecurity

If you frequently feel insecure, it can also become a personality trait. Thus, it is said that someone is insecure. The following characteristics occur when you are insecure:

  • You are easily influenced by what others say or do not dare to disagree with others.
  • You are afraid that others will find you boring or not good enough and will therefore reject you.
  • You are heavily focused on (not) making mistakes and your own shortcomings.
  • You quickly see making a mistake or having a shortcoming as proof that you are not good enough.
  • You have difficulty receiving criticism and compliments.
  • You constantly compare yourself, your achievements, and skills with others.
  • You set high (unrealistic) standards for yourself or pursue a certain perfectionistic ideal.
  • You avoid challenges or often choose the easy way.
  • You are afraid of losing friends, becoming the target of gossip or bullying, or being left alone.

Vicious circle

A characteristic of insecurity is that the strategies you have learned to cope with it actually maintain it in the long term. For example, by avoiding speaking up, you miss the chance to discover that people find you interesting. By setting such high standards for yourself, you fail to realize that it is okay to do a little less or make mistakes. You may struggle to view yourself more realistically because you focus only on your shortcomings and reject compliments. You may also miss the opportunity to discover your potential and new skills because you avoid challenges. Have you noticed any other vicious cycles in your life? Insecurity persists because you make choices driven by it. In short, it’s time to break that circle!

https://emotiontypology.com/negative_emotion/insecurity/
https://mindkorrelatie.nl/onderwerpen/onzekerheid
https://www.psyned.nl/onzekerheid/

Low self-image refers to a negative view of yourself and a lack of belief in your own worth or abilities. If you struggle with low self-image you may view yourself negatively, struggle with feelings of incompetence, or experience a constant fear of rejection or failure. It can manifest in various ways, from persistent self-criticism, feelings of shyness, to difficulty in asserting your needs or avoiding challenges. Low self-image is a common yet impactful issue that affects many people across different stages of life.

Treatment approaches:

Fortunately, there are helpful and proven effective psychological treatments for improving your self-image. A psychologist can apply different forms of therapy during your treatment. You can find the most commonly used forms of therapy for low self image below:

CBT

In CBT, you will explore the connection between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The CBT model suggests that life experiences shape an individual’s beliefs about themselves, others and the world. These beliefs then influence how you perceive situations (thoughts and feelings) and how you react to them (behavior).

CBT suggests if you struggle with a low self-image, you might hold negative beliefs about yourself, such as “I am not good enough” or “I am not acceptable.” These beliefs lead to unhelpful thoughts, biases, and behaviors that maintain your low self image in the long term and keep you stuck in a vicious cycle. For example, you may avoid speaking up or trying new things to avoid rejection or failure and triggering your core belief. CBT helps you break this cycle by helping you to change these (unrealistic) negative beliefs, thoughts, and unhelpful behaviors.

In CBT treatment, you can expect to cover topics such as:

  • Becoming aware of your automatic unhelpful thoughts.
  • Recognizing your underlying beliefs.
  • Analyzing the consequences of your behaviors.
  • Replacing self-criticism with self-compassion.
  • Developing healthier, more flexible thoughts and beliefs.
  • Testing your negative expectations and confronting your fears through behavioral experiments.

COMET

COMET is a trans-diagnostic intervention that is usually applied as part of a treatment. The COMET approach to treating low self-image is based on the theory that when someone struggles with low self-image, negative and unhelpful beliefs about themselves are triggered too frequently and given too much attention. COMET aims to reduce the strength of these negative beliefs, allowing more positive and realistic beliefs to emerge and strengthen to readjust the balance. In particular they suggest that if you struggle with low self image you feel your negative sides much more than your positive sides.

COMET focuses on helping you to recognize this imbalanced view of yourself, which tends to overly emphasize negative qualities. It then works to enhance the emotional strength of positive characteristics and beliefs often using exercises involving imagery. Finally it encourages acknowledging both positive and negative qualities to achieve a more realistic, and balanced self-image.

The Barrel of Self-esteem

The barrel of self-esteem is a psychological model for behavioral change. Two metaphors are central in this model: the barrel and the switches. Imagine your self-esteem as a liquid that fills a barrel. The more self-esteem you have, the fuller your barrel. Self-esteem is the positive stuff—things you enjoy, are proud of, or that boost your mood. Emptiness is the negative stuff—bad memories, habits, or feelings of inadequacy. If your barrel is mostly full, you feel good and handle life’s challenges better.

Experiences act like switches that can fill or drain your barrel. Positive switches, like a nice cup of coffee, a compliment from your boss or a nice thought, add to your self-esteem. Negative switches, like criticism, an arguement or forgetting something important, drain it. Being able to observe both those experiences is a skill that helps fill the barrel. You positively reinforce your observations through complimenting yourself. Since a compliment is always positive, this creates an important third switch, the “recovering positive switch”. This way you can fill the barrel and gain self-esteem both through positive and negative experiences. Basically it means you practice becoming aware of what is both good and bad for you.

You can learn more about the barrel of self esteem here.

Sources:

What is self-image?

Self-image is the way you see and value yourself. It’s like a pair of glasses through which you view yourself, influenced by your experiences, interactions with others, beliefs, and how you talk to yourself (internal dialogue). You can speak of a positive, realistic self-image when, for example, you have appreciation of yourself, can acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses, have compassion for yourself, believe in yourself, feel that you matter, and deserve happiness in life.

What are the consequences of a low self-image?

When you suffer from a low self-image, you may often feel down or insecure, fear rejection, feel worthless or hopeless, or even hate yourself. You might be reluctant to take action or initiative, try new things or learn, or worry excessively about doing these. You may also try to confirm your low self-image, meaning you unconsciously look for examples or reasons why you might not be good enough, don’t belong, or have failed, and for example reject compliments or attribute successes to luck. This creates a vicious cycle where you avoid (new) positive things and have a tendency to focus on everything that is wrong or what you can’t do. This form of self-confirming a low self-image is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What influences a self-image?

In addition to your genetics, your upbringing and impactful experiences play an important role in developing a low self-image. As a child, it is important to learn to discover things on your own, receive realistic positive reinforcement, and grow up in a safe environment where you feel valued, capable, and confident. This stimulates the development of a positive self-image. The risk of a low self-image increases when you experience exclusion or rejection through bullying, abuse, or discrimination. This can also stem from stigma associated with mental or physical health problems, poverty, or other problems at home. Nowadays, social media also plays an increasing role by presenting unrealistic standards and expectations that can make you feel inferior.

Regarding upbringing, in addition to exclusion, neglect, and abuse, there are other examples that can contribute to developing a low self-image. It could be that your parents did not give you enough attention or that you were overly protected. Your parents might have excessively criticized you and gave little appreciation, or repeatedly compared you to a sibling. It could also be that you grew up in a family with high demands or where performance was heavily emphasized. Additionally, it contributes to a low self-image if you are only valued for one aspect. All these examples don’t necessarily only apply to your parents but can also relate to other people in your life, such as a partner.

Sources:

While everyone grieves in their own way and thus goes through the grieving process differently, similarities can also be observed between all grieving processes. These similarities are translated into so-called ‘stages of grief.’ It is important to note that these stages do not have a straightforward or linear progression. You may not go through all stages, the stages may overlap, or you may sometimes fluctuate between stages.

Kübler-Ross

The most well-known stages of grief were formulated years ago by Kübler-Ross and are nowadays also applied to other situations of change, such as a restructuring at work. The following stages are distinguished:

  1. Denial. During this stage, denial is used as a defense mechanism against the intensity of the situation. Loss is intense, and denial creates some more time to let the sad news sink in. For example: “I don’t believe it. It’s not true!
  2. Anger. The emotion of anger can be used to mask or suppress intense pain. You may become angry at the world, at others, or even at the smallest insignificant things. For example: “I hate my ex!”
  3. Bargaining. In unpleasant situations, it is human to analyze whether there were things you could have done differently. However, it is used here as a defense mechanism against pain to postpone emotions. For example: “If only I had visited more often…”
  4. Depression. In this stage, all emotions may have settled a bit more, and you are more engaged in processing the loss. This can be accompanied by a period that feels heavy, confusing, and depressing. For example: “I really don’t know how to go on anymore…”
  5. Acceptance. This is the final stage and is characterized by acknowledging and embracing the impact the loss has on your life. This can still be accompanied by negative emotions. For example: “They are incredibly painful and beautiful memories, but ultimately I also have to move on with my life.”

Rando

While the previous stages of grief are more focused on the emotions and reactions someone has during grief, Rando’s stages are more focused on the processes someone goes through. These stages concern the period of mourning itself and do not include acute grief or the ‘shock’ at the beginning. The following stages are distinguished:

  1. Avoidance. During this stage, the realization arises that the reality is inevitable, and you must face the loss. It is important here to acknowledge the loss as a fact but also to understand exactly what has happened.
  2. Confrontation. This phase is characterized by confronting the loss and the pain that comes with it. Three elements can be seen here:
    • Reacting to the separation. This involves allowing and experiencing all the pain and psychological reactions that result from the loss, including possible strange reactions such as relief or anger. It also means that you may reflect on secondary losses, i.e., losses that are indirect. For example, the smell of the perfume someone wore or the weekly phone call.
    • Reliving and remembering. This is about realistically recalling and reliving old feelings. It means remembering the loss in a way that does justice to how it was before the loss.
    • Letting go of old ties. This concerns ideas about the loss but also about the world. For example, the idea that your partner will never leave you. Or the idea that bad things only happen to other people. Letting go of these old ties is necessary to eventually move on.
  3. Accommodation. In this stage, the focus is more on adapting and moving towards a life with the loss. You take the memories and the sorrow with you to a new stage in your life, but with necessary adjustments. Two elements can be seen here:
    • Adapting to the new reality. This involves important changes that have occurred naturally or are necessary for you to adapt. You can think of revising your worldview when someone has died due to crime. You build a new ‘post-mortem’ relationship with someone by, for example, visiting the grave or holding an annual ritual in honor of the deceased. New roles and skills also emerge, for example, if you suddenly become the new point of contact for your family. And it can lead to a new identity.
    • Reinvesting in life. This last point is about reinvesting emotional energy. Simply investing energy in other people and activities to regain the emotional satisfaction that someone had before the loss.

Sources:

https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief#5-stages

https://mindandbodyworks.com/two-models-for-understanding-grief/

In a world where health is central, exercise has become a crucial part of our daily lives. It’s not just about maintaining a healthy body and preventing diseases. Behind the physical benefits are also psychological aspects that are important.

Exercise and well-being

Regular physical activity stimulates the production of various neurotransmitters such as endorphins, dopamine, and endocannabinoids. They are for example involved in reducing physical pain and boosting feelings of happiness. They also help regulate your heart rate, sleep cycle, mood, attention, motivation, and working memory. Exercise also strengthens neuroplasticity, the brain and nervous system’s ability to adapt. In daily life, this means it can help learning new skills. Regular exercise also promotes oxygen flow to your brain. Research shows this reduces mental decline, such as Alzheimer’s or stroke.

Exercise and mental health

In times of stress, your body responds by producing various hormones, including adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol, also known as the ‘stress hormone.’ Prolonged exposure to these hormones can have harmful effects on your health in the long term. Exercise actually reduces the levels of these hormones, making you feel more relaxed or relieved. When you exercise regularly, it even helps you become more resilient to stressful situations! So, it not only serves as a calming distraction that reduces emotions, it also improves your ability to handle stress.

Exercise also has other direct effects. It improves your mood and reduces negative thoughts. It can boost your confidence, give you a more positive body image, or increase your self-compassion. It also has a positive effect on the quality of your sleep and helps you fall asleep faster.

Exercise advice

The guideline for adults regarding exercise is to engage in 2.5 hours of moderate-intensity exercise per week and to do muscle or bone-strengthening activities twice a week. Keep in mind that this is a minimum recommendation. If you exercise more or more intensely, you’ll experience even more health benefits. Exercise doesn’t necessarily have to be sports. Household chores, dancing, grocery shopping, or DIY tasks also count. Being physically active for a continuous half-hour isn’t necessary. Every block of movement of at least 10 minutes counts, and you can divide these blocks throughout the day. Every little bit helps, so:

  • Take the stairs.
  • Leave the car and ride a bike.
  • Walk or bike to do your errands.
  • Take a walk during your lunch break.
  • Get off the bus a stop earlier and walk for 10 minutes.
  • Dance along to your favorite song a few times.
  • Do some stretching exercises during TV commercials.
  • Walk around or in your house while on the phone.
  • Park your car a bit further from your destination to walk a bit.
  • Do some squats or lunges while waiting for the kettle or coffee maker.
  • Play a physically active game with your children.

 

Sources:

Hallal, P. C., Victora, C. G., Azevedo, M. R., & Wells, J. C. (2006). Adolescent physical activity and health. Sports medicine, 36(12), 1019-1030.

https://www.voedingscentrum.nl/encyclopedie/bewegen.aspx

https://www.kenniscentrumsportenbewegen.nl/beweegrichtlijnen/#br-overzicht

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/physical-activity-guidelines-for-adults-aged-19-to-64/

https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/exercise?c=1340819060953#How-does-exercise-impact-the-brain?

Because dealing with unhelpful schemas or modes can be challenging, it’s not uncommon to develop strategies to minimize their impact. This is also known as coping, and we explain it in relation to the three primary stress responses: Fight, Flight, and Freeze.

1. Overcompensating (Fight)

By fighting a schema and doing the opposite, you can prevent a painful schema from being activated and attempt to prove that it is not true. For example, striving for perfection because you felt worthless as a child. However, this may maintain the original pain or lead to conflicts with others.

2. Avoiding (Flight)

By avoiding situations or thoughts that could activate a schema, you can prevent its activation. However, this may also result in developing low self-confidence or missing opportunities in life. For instance, if your fear of failure prevents you from seeking a job that aligns with your capabilities.

3. Surrendering (Freeze)

You might come to believe that a schema is true, leading you to seek situations that confirm the schema. For example, if you were abused as a child and now repeatedly seek partners who exhibit similar behavior.

While each of these three coping strategies may help you deal with difficult emotions, especially in the short term, they can maintain maladaptive schemas and modes in the long run. Therefore, it may be essential to learn new, healthy ways to cope with your schemas and modes.

Sources

Vereniging voor schematherapie:  https://www.schematherapie.nl/schematherapie 

Boom: https://platform.boompsychologie.nl/

A mode (plural: modes) is a temporary state of mind that occurs as a result of an activated schema. For example, becoming extremely angry when not getting your way or having a strong inclination to please others. If you have developed unhelpful schemas, you may regularly experience unhelpful modes.

There are various helpful and unhelpful modes. When modes frequently shift, express themselves intensely, or fail to help you meet your actual needs, it can be inhibiting and lead to difficult interactions with others.

What does it feel like, a mode?

Sometimes, the trigger may be small, but the mode can feel like a massive overwhelming emotional wave. This is because your personal pain points have turned into bruises over the years. These are much more sensitive, hurt more easily, and will also elicit a stronger reaction when pressed or triggered. It may feel like (abdominal) pain, a knot in your stomach, welling tears, sadness, a constricting feeling in your chest, deep anger, etc. You might find it challenging to understand where the feelings come from and why they are so intense, but often, you realize that the intensity may not entirely match the situation. To feel better, you might seek helpful short-term strategies, such as consuming a mountain of chocolate, binge-watching a series, withdrawing, putting on a mask, picking a fight, or angrily walking away.

Different types of mode categories:

Each mode is characterized by specific thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and is categorized into 4 types:

  • Child Modes. These modes resemble the strong emotions of children. You may feel angry, or even furious, impulsive, or vulnerable and alone.
  • Unhelpful Coping Modes. To deal with unpleasant child modes, you may enter these modes as a defense mechanism. You may want to protect yourself, try to soothe yourself, or even glorify yourself to feel bigger. You may also adopt aggressive/attacking or pleasing coping modes.
  • Unhelpful Parent Modes. These modes exhibit characteristics of how parents might react to children. For example, negative, strict, or punitive self-talk. These parent modes often lead to sadness or fear, causing you to escalate into child modes.
  • Helpful Modes. These modes bring balance, perspective, and healthy freedom. Attention is given to healthy and helpful responses, warmth, and empathy, allowing space for joy, connection, and self-confidence. In therapy, the goal is to strengthen these helpful modes.

All the kinds of modes

You can find them here.

Sources

Vereniging voor schematherapie:  https://www.schematherapie.nl/schematherapie

Boom:  https://platform.boompsychologie.nl/

Schemas are beliefs, memories, emotions, and attitudes about yourself, others, or the world around you. Schemas arise from an interaction between your biological predisposition, your upbringing, and all the experiences you have accumulated in your life. These schemas can be either positive or negative, influencing aspects such as your self-image, interpersonal relationships, and perspective on the world or the future.

Schemas develop in a healthy manner when your basic childhood needs are adequately met, enabling you to navigate challenging situations or interact with others with more confidence. If you struggle with ‘unhelpful’ schemas, you may have a more negative perception of yourself, others, or the world, leading to increased sensitivity, jealousy, or distrust, for example.

Origin of Unhelpful Schemas

To develop resilience and emotional well-being, certain basic needs must be fulfilled during your childhood. A child’s fundamental needs include:

  • Safety and connection
  • Exploring the world independently
  • Fair rules and boundaries
  • Expressing emotions
  • Spontaneity and playfulness
  • Autonomy

Repeated failure to meet one or more of these basic needs in your youth, perhaps due to inadequate care, violence, abuse, bullying, or overprotective parenting, can result in the development of unhelpful schemas. Through recurrent unpleasant experiences, you draw conclusions about the world and yourself, forming beliefs such as “This is how it is now, so it will always be this way.” These schemas from the past can be activated in your current life in situations reminiscent of those earlier experiences, essentially becoming ‘ingrained patterns.’ While they may have offered a form of protection in the past, they can now act as an obstacle in your daily life. In your treatment, you will explore and identify the schemas you currently have.

Schema Domains

There are 18 different schemas, categorized into 5 domains:

  • Disconnection and rejection
    Arises from insufficient safety, protection, and nurturing during childhood, leading to a lack of connection or safety with others.
  • Impaired autonomy and performance
    Originates from unmet needs for independence and autonomy in childhood, possibly due to a lack of trust, space, or encouragement, or conversely, being overburdened.
  • Impaired limits
    Develops when few (realistic) boundaries are set, or boundaries are highly inconsistent. Being excessively indulged, feeling superior to others, or oscillating between complete freedom and strict boundaries can lead to Impaired Limits.
  • Other-directedness
    Emerges from being accepted only when meeting specific conditions. Expressing one’s own feelings and needs becomes challenging, as behavior conforms to the needs of others.
  • Excessive vigilance and inhibition
    Arises when there is little room for enjoyment and spontaneity, suppressed by (self-imposed) rules or expectations. Striving for perfection and achievement is rewarded, while expressing needs is punished or at least inhibited.

Types of Non-Helpful Schemas

Within the 5 domains, 18 schemas are described. You can find them here.

Sources

Vereniging voor schematherapie: https://www.schematherapie.nl/schematherapie
Boom: https://platform.boompsychologie.nl/