They probably give us the most stress, but also the most satisfaction: expectations. We are driven to meet expectations and strive for our ambitions. But how come they cause stress for some and not for others?
What is it?
An expectation is nothing more than a goal of or for someone in a particular situation. For example, your employer can expect you to always be on time. Within expectations, you see various types. You can have hope that your crush likes you too, you can have the ambition to get a promotion, you can have the demand that you are treated with respect, you can have the life rule that everything must be perfect, it is the norm not to kill anyone and is it a value to be kind to children.
What are expectations based on?
The feasibility of an expectation is based on two elements: the individual and the state of being. For the individual, you can think of your personality, genes, upbringing, memories and experiences. This together makes you unique as a person and cannot be changed. This is immediately followed by the state you are in. This concerns emotions, physical sensations (e.g. pain or illness), skills, knowledge and external pressures (e.g. working night shifts). These can vary per situation and are therefore changeable.
Pitfalls
When you notice that expectations of others or yourself cause a lot of stress, it’s possible that there are a number of pitfalls present:
- You want or have to meet all expectations.
- You assume that you should live by expectations instead of expectations being based on you.
- You think of not achieving a goal or expectation as a personal ‘shortcoming’ or failure.
- You get stressed by possible ‘shortcomings’, making expectations unnecessarily extra difficult.
- You find it more important to change yourself than to adjust your goals.
- Others don’t take the individual or the state into account enough.
What can you do?
If you recognize yourself in one or more pitfalls, that is already the first step toward change. And the solution is actually very simple; because you as an individual cannot be changed, only the state and the expectation itself are left to change. Is the state in order but are you still having trouble meeting expectations? Then the expectation is too big and you’ll have to talk to yourself or someone else to reduce it. Is the state not in order and are you, for example, overtired, and emotional, do you lack skills or knowledge, or are you experiencing drastic private situations? Then you have two options: either you adjust the expectation to your current state (e.g. I have a cold, so I may be 10% less productive today), or you take action to change the state (e.g. I’ll call in sick today so I can be a 100% productive again next week).
Of course, an expectation doesn’t always have to be completely achievable. The goal is to stay both motivated enough as well as not too stressed. It’s okay to want to do everything perfectly, but it’s also okay to do only some things perfectly. Stay ambitious, but realistic. And remember, not meeting an expectation can never say anything about you as an individual!
