What are the stages of grief?

While everyone grieves in their own way and thus goes through the grieving process differently, similarities can also be observed between all grieving processes. These similarities are translated into so-called ‘stages of grief.’ It is important to note that these stages do not have a straightforward or linear progression. You may not go through all stages, the stages may overlap, or you may sometimes fluctuate between stages.

Kübler-Ross

The most well-known stages of grief were formulated years ago by Kübler-Ross and are nowadays also applied to other situations of change, such as a restructuring at work. The following stages are distinguished:

1. Denial. During this stage, denial is used as a defense mechanism against the intensity of the situation. Loss is intense, and denial creates some more time to let the sad news sink in. For example: “I don’t believe it. It’s not true!
2. Anger. The emotion of anger can be used to mask or suppress intense pain. You may become angry at the world, at others, or even at the smallest insignificant things. For example: “I hate my ex!”
3. Bargaining. In unpleasant situations, it is human to analyze whether there were things you could have done differently. However, it is used here as a defense mechanism against pain to postpone emotions. For example: “If only I had visited more often…”
4. Depression. In this stage, all emotions may have settled a bit more, and you are more engaged in processing the loss. This can be accompanied by a period that feels heavy, confusing, and depressing. For example: “I really don’t know how to go on anymore…”
5. Acceptance. This is the final stage and is characterized by acknowledging and embracing the impact the loss has on your life. This can still be accompanied by negative emotions. For example: “They are incredibly painful and beautiful memories, but ultimately I also have to move on with my life.”

Rando

While the previous stages of grief are more focused on the emotions and reactions someone has during grief, Rando’s stages are more focused on the processes someone goes through. These stages concern the period of mourning itself and do not include acute grief or the ‘shock’ at the beginning. The following stages are distinguished:

1. Avoidance. During this stage, the realization arises that the reality is inevitable, and you must face the loss. It is important here to acknowledge the loss as a fact but also to understand exactly what has happened.
2. Confrontation. This phase is characterized by confronting the loss and the pain that comes with it. Three elements can be seen here:
   • Reacting to the separation. This involves allowing and experiencing all the pain and psychological reactions that result from the loss, including possible strange reactions such as relief or anger. It also means that you may reflect on secondary losses, i.e., losses that are indirect. For example, the smell of the perfume someone wore or the weekly phone call.
   • Reliving and remembering. This is about realistically recalling and reliving old feelings. It means remembering the loss in a way that does justice to how it was before the loss.
   • Letting go of old ties. This concerns ideas about the loss but also about the world. For example, the idea that your partner will never leave you. Or the idea that bad things only happen to other people. Letting go of these old ties is necessary to eventually move on.
3. Accommodation. In this stage, the focus is more on adapting and moving towards a life with the loss. You take the memories and the sorrow with you to a new stage in your life, but with necessary adjustments. Two elements can be seen here:
   • Adapting to the new reality. This involves important changes that have occurred naturally or are necessary for you to adapt. You can think of revising your worldview when someone has died due to crime. You build a new ‘post-mortem’ relationship with someone by, for example, visiting the grave or holding an annual ritual in honor of the deceased. New roles and skills also emerge, for example, if you suddenly become the new point of contact for your family. And it can lead to a new identity.
     
   • Reinvesting in life. This last point is about reinvesting emotional energy. Simply investing energy in other people and activities to regain the emotional satisfaction that someone had before the loss.

Sources:

https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief#5-stages

https://mindandbodyworks.com/two-models-for-understanding-grief/