Hello,
I’m really trying to heal from being a people pleaser, but I feel I need help in understanding.
People / therapists always say I cannot really solve people’s problems or change their feelings. But I feel this is wrong. In my teenage years my mum was objectively more happy when I would pretend I’m a child with a disability. Or my grandma would be more happy and have less sadness if I sacrifice my plans for coming over for a week and staying at her place.
I really struggle with the understanding here. I feel that if I do me, if I listen to myself and just take care of myself and my life (while being a good person obviously, I don’t mean here being an egoist), I feel that I actively decide that I don’t lift people’s suffering but I make myself happy. And I just feel that’s wrong. if I could lift someone’s suffering, but I don’t, doesn’t that then mean I say my happiness is more important than other people’s? And this makes me feel like a bad person.
Hi,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns about being a people pleaser. It is important to reach out for help when we are struggling with something!
You mention that you are trying to heal from being a people pleaser, but that you also feel bad for prioritising your well-being over others. People pleasing is a common struggle! It is essential to realise that there is a distinction between helping others and pleasing people at the cost of your own well-being. People pleasing is often seen as a coping mechanism to avoid uncomfortable feelings or conflict. It's essential to recognize that your happiness and self-care aren't inherently selfish. They enable you to be a better, more supportive person to those around you. It is about finding a good and healthy balance.
It can be helpful to ask yourself what your motivation for learning to overcome pleasing people is. What makes other people's happiness more important than yours? Writing down the cost and benefits (in the short term and long term) of pleasing people/prioritising yourself can be helpful to give yourself some clarity and give some indication of the line between helping others and pleasing people. Setting personal limits or boundaries is crucial for maintaining your own mental and emotional health. Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships.
Maybe these articles can provide further guidance:
If you find it challenging to break free from people-pleasing habits, consider seeking support from a therapist who can provide guidance tailored to your specific situation.
Kind regards, Martijn
support@niceday.app
support@niceday.app
