Hello. I am a 29 year old Female, engaged to a 28 y o man I met at the University. We love and adore each other and he is smitten by me. I love him and we share a very sweet bond. But I have realized that I am not very sexually attracted to him. I have spoken to different guys and also have dated previously. But the bond and emotional connection I share with him I haven’t felt with anyone else. But where he is extremely attracted to my body and finds me very beautiful even in shabby clothes and hair, I don’t feel so turned on. We have had sex many times and he always seems to be wanting a lot more while I like doing it maybe once or twice a day (we are in long distant and meet for say, 3 4 days after months). As Indians we also have to struggle a lot to convince our families for the wedding and he is taking a stand against his family for me. I know that he is going to be a great husband and a father to children in the future. I might be sounding slightly selfish here. But I also want that while he gets love and great sex, I too feel attracted to him. It frightens me to think that what if I have to live all my life like this and despite marrying such an amazing guy, I will be unhappy. I also cannot dream of losing him or letting him go because that will hurt me as well as scar him for life. I can see how much he loves me and he is almost obsessed with me. I wish I was obsessed with him too. We’d be so much more happier and we already are quite happy.
Thank you for your message. Although I don't see any specific question, I think you'd like to receive some advice. Let me help you with that.
I can understand this is a difficult situation for you. There are a few things I want to share with you about relationships.
First, the only person you're responsible for is yourself. No matter the consequences your decision can have on someone else, it's their own responsibility to deal with. Going into a relationship and being vulnerable can also mean you'll end up being hurt. It's the risk people take, but it remains their responsibility to deal with it. You can't be responsible for the feelings of someone else, therefore you should be cautious considering them when making certain decisions.
Second, since you're the only one responsible for yourself, you should also consider the sacrifices you're willing to make in a relationship. No relationship is perfect, but a good relationship also involves making sacrifices for each other. This can also mean sacrificing some personal happiness to benefit relational happiness. You should ask yourself, what are you willing to sacrifice in the long run? Some people find sexual attraction important, others find it less important. You should consider if it's a deal-breaker for you, or whether you're willing to sacrifice. What matters in the end, is that you're sufficiently happy that you can live with your choices. This can also mean disappointing someone you love, unfortunately.
A final thing I want to tell you is that you should never avoid confrontation because it feels too scary. Avoidance gives short term relief, but regret can give long term pain. Always try to make choices that make you happy in the end.
This is only some short advice. I think it's good to also discuss this in-depth with someone close to you or else talk to a specialist. Such a big decision needs more than my advice only.
Good luck!
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