Some people have always been content or happy with themselves, but many others have to learn to accept and love themselves. Social media is a wondrous invention, but it has also caused people to constantly compare themselves with others, whether it be consciously or unconsciously. Within a single look, you see that you can always be skinnier, better, or more successful… Being content with who you are, means that recognising that you’re fine just the way you are. You see and feel that you don’t have to pretend to be different and that you do not have to be perfect. Being content with yourself is really important. Why? I’ll explain that to you below.

An endless race against yourself

Maybe this is something you relate to; you set the bar incredibly high for yourself. Maybe you can always be slimmer, more successful, richer, and more talented than the person you are today. You could even be much better than everyone else. It can be quite dangerous to think like that because it is an endless race against yourself. If you can always be better, when will you be good enough?

Accepting yourself

To prevent you from ending up in an endless race against yourself, you can learn to accept yourself. Accepting that you are good exactly the way you are right now. What do you need to be able to accept yourself?

• Realise that you do not have to change. You don’t have to be different or better. At this moment, you are enough just the way you are. This doesn’t mean that accepting yourself means you no longer have to grow, or that you no longer have to develop yourself. The exact opposite happens: especially when you have accepted yourself, you open new doors to growth. You know your worth and know what you deserve. This increases the chance that you say ‘yes’ to challenges and makes you more likely to say ‘no’ to things that stand in the way of your growth!

1. There is no such thing as perfection. What is perfection anyway? Nobody is perfect and the grass definitely isn’t greener on the other side. People often only show their highlights online, but everyone feels down or has a bad day from time to time. Perfection doesn’t exist and if it did, the world would be very boring.
2. Embrace your imperfections! Don’t fight or try to hide them, but embrace and show them off. They aren’t even imperfections, they are the things that make you special. Everything that deviates from the norm, makes you special and unique.

What makes you special?

So…

What makes you special? What makes you proud of yourself? Write it down in the NiceDay app! Haven’t downloaded it yet? You can download it here.

The feeling that you mean something and that you’re worthy determines your daily functioning and how you feel. Self-esteem is the image you have of yourself on an emotional level, without logical reasoning. It is entirely yours and has nothing to do with how you come across towards others, or what others think of you. For example, someone may appear very confident but actually has little self-esteem. What about your self-esteem? What grade do you give yourself?

Developing your self-esteem

You can derive your self-worth from many things outside of yourself. Think about your appearance, possessions, achievements, and relationships. What you derive your value from therefore also partly determines on which you base your choices. Often we are very busy maintaining these things, but that withholds us from living free. In the long run, this is a recipe for mental distress and ultimately an unhappy existence.

Is it possible to improve your self-esteem?

Wouldn’t it be nice to have more self-esteem? That you dare to make decisions that change your life for the better. This gives you the opportunity to find the job that suits you better. Spend your time with friends who give you energy, instead of drain it. To experience comfort in people who are there for you when you are sad. The steps below will help you on your way to improved self-esteem!

• Find the source

The image you have of yourself has developed during the course of your life. Is your lack of self-esteem related to the lack of recognition you received from your parents? Perhaps you have been bullied in the past and therefore feel that you are less worthy? List your thoughts and feelings about it. Use the diary in the NiceDay app, or do this together with a healthcare professional.

• Observe your own (judgmental) thoughts

Often it is your own thoughts from which you derive your self-esteem. Stop being so hard on yourself! Get started with Thought Records in the NiceDay app to organize your thoughts.

• Self-acceptance

Sometimes putting things into perspective isn’t enough to make you feel better. When you accept yourself as a whole, you give yourself the space to find the power that resides within you. Take a friendly look at where you are in life right now. Let everything be there, even those parts and emotions that you would rather not see or experience. Once we start excluding parts, they can’t let go of us. Be open and willing to behold everything, without denial, without avoidance, without judgment or criticism.

• Here and now

Many people think too much about the past or the future. The challenge is to be in the here and now. Regularly take the time to sit with yourself in silence. Is meditation a step too far, take a walk in nature! Go to the forest or the beach, breathe in the fresh air and take a conscious look around you.

• Discover your own core values

What is important to you? Self-esteem is also about your own core values. You will improve your self-esteem if you know what your core values are and if you start consciously choosing those core values. If you know who you are and what you stand for, it’s easier to work towards something. This will increase your feeling of self-worth. 

• Exercise!

Sport contributes to a healthy lifestyle; you feel more comfortable in your own skin as a result. You will not only feel this boost in your body but also in your thoughts and feelings. Body and mind are connected!

• Take responsibility

Stop blaming others for the situation you are in right now. Where possible, choose to take action yourself. You can decide to no longer allow unhealthy forms of dependence and victimization. Not the other person, but YOU are ultimately responsible for your own happiness in life!

Help

Is your lack of self-esteem getting in the way of your daily life, and would you like to talk to someone about it? Make an appointment with your doctor, or click here for more information about NiceDay treatment at various mental healthcare institutions.

I regularly hear people say: ‘I have a realistic self-image, not a negative one. I am just not that good at a lot of things’. The word self-image already says it; it is the image you have of yourself. It is shaped by the many experiences and memories you have, that give you an idea of who you are.

Positive vs negative

A negative self-image is often so programmed in your thoughts that you normalise it; you don’t consciously think about it. When something goes wrong for example, you don’t think about the circumstances in which it happened, but you think of yourself. ‘Sure, I can never succeed at anything’. Do you have a positive self-image? Then you’re lucky! For you it is the other way around; if something doesn’t work out, you are more likely to blame this on the circumstances instead of yourself. But why does that happen?

Selective perception

Research shows that us humans are naturally inclined to pay more attention to information that confirms our existing beliefs, and to ignore the evidence that goes against it. This is called selective perception. In addition, there is also such a thing as selective memory. This ensures that memories that confirm our beliefs are always easier to bring up than memories that go against our beliefs. This makes it more difficult to think differently about ourselves. Does this mean that our self-image is unchangeable? No, definitely not! You can always improve your self-image, independently or with your NiceDay coach.

Sometimes people are scared to become arrogant when they let go of their negative self-image. Remember that there is a space between insecurity and arrogance! Maybe you know someone that you think has a positive self-image, but isn’t arrogant at all. Working on your self-image is an investment in yourself that costs you time and energy. Why would you take the effort?

The burdens of a negative self-image

Working on your self-image is valuable, because a negative self-image has its disadvantages. When you suffer from a negative self-image, you often have difficulties with doing the following:

• Trying new things. When you have a negative self-image you are often afraid of failure.  You probably don’t believe in yourself before you’ve even started. By not trying any new things, you don’t get the confirmation that shows you projects do succeed or that you are good in certain things.
• Receiving criticism. People with a negative self-image are often afraid of criticism because they immediately accept it as true. They behave flawlessly to prevent them from possibly being confronted with any criticism. Acting perfectly all the time is extremely tiring and can result in exhaustion, but also takes the fun out of the activity!
• Receiving a compliment without immediately ‘putting it down’ by, for example, making up excuses, such as: ‘Well everyone would do this, that’s normal’, ‘It really doesn’t mean anything’, ‘Others would have done better’, and so on. The person who gave the compliment won’t feel taken seriously as a result and is therefore less likely to give a compliment again.
• Struggling with social situations because you don’t find yourself worth talking to or because you think you don’t have anything interesting to say. By avoiding these situations, you deprive yourself of the chance to get better at them and learn that social “clumsiness” is not so bad! And you might even find out that you are not as boring as you think …
• Maintaining a positive mood is more difficult if you have a negative self-image. You are more pessimistic and often feel gloomy, unhappy or tired.
• Achieve fewer results. By avoiding certain situations you will achieve less and will therefore be less satisfied. This applies to bigger things, such as speaking up during a meeting at work, but also to small things, such as nice contact with your neighbors or meeting new people.

Improving your negative self-image

There is no need to live with a negative self-image; you can do something about it. If you have a negative self-image and therefore mainly focus on what is not going well, you can train yourself to focus more on the positive. Even though this may feel uncomfortable and uncomfortable at first, it will automatically become your new normal. As a psychologist I have seen several people recover after a self-image training. Afterwards they thought themselves more worthwhile and dared more. They were also more satisfied with their relationships and their lives. I would therefore like to invite everyone to take action if you have a negative self-image, even if you are afraid that it will fail! Your NiceDay coach can help you with this.

What can I do today to improve my self-image?

• Make a list of positive traits and keep it.
• Collect compliments, in a notebook for example.
• Stop denouncing compliments you receive and practice saying “thank you” instead of ‘Yes but…’.
• Find a song that gives you strength and listen to it.
• Keep a positive diary for yourself.
• Use mindfulness and relaxation exercises to distract yourself from negative feelings and connect with an empathetic side of yourself.
• Would you like to read more about how you prefer to be for yourself? Then read this article on misconceptions about self-compassion.

NiceDay

Are you struggling with a negative self-image and notice that this has an impact on your daily life? Then it can be nice to talk to someone about this. You can find more information about online help via NiceDay here.

After nearly 9 years of marriage with his wife, he fell into a relational slump. He felt that he was failing their relationship and this was confirmed by his partner. He felt crushed. Mark* (40 years old) had lost his self-confidence. He became his own worst enemy, becoming extremely insecure and continued to spiral downwards. He eventually decided to seek help from NiceDay. We interviewed him about his experience with NiceDay.

Reliable and trustworthy

“I realized that I couldn’t solve this myself; I was depressed, I stopped eating, I didn’t go to work and I had no control over my thoughts. I started googling my problems and ended up on the NiceDay website. It immediately felt reliable and trustworthy. Partly thanks to the testimonials on the website, the different options of the treatment (chatting / calling / video calling) and all the information available, I felt confident enough to take the step to contact the NiceDay Team. ”

“They helped me quickly. The little bit of doubt remaining disappeared during the intake interview. They listened to me carefully: they asked what I was looking for and what I needed help with. They really take their time to find the right professional for you, and don’t just place you with the most available practitioner. Thanks to this they had made a good match; I had a very good ‘click’ with my therapist Sarah. ”

Online treatment

“Of course you have some initial doubts about online treatment, we all know Catfish (the well-known MTV show in which people pretend to be someone else online). But these doubts were quickly dispelled by the information on the website and the pleasant intake interview. Contact with NiceDay also felt very accessible. Taking the step to seek help outdoors still felt a bit big, I was still very confused and there was also a bit of shame involved. Using NiceDay I could simply take the first step to help from my own home. ”

“When something happened after/outside of our appointments, I could quickly open the app and send a chat message.”

Making contact from my own home was also a pleasant experience. I could calmly join the sessions from my own familiar environment, at the times that suited me. I have had psychological help for a burnout in the past. I had to travel half an hour there and a half hour back, then wait in the waiting room. Therefore, two hours was lost for just an hour of treatment. I also really enjoyed being able to contact my practitioner in between sessions. When something happened after/outside of our appointments, I could quickly open the app and send a chat message. My therapist Sarah did not work 24/7, but always responded! I’m not saying that the other form of help isn’t good, but I really liked this concept. ”

Relationship with my professional

“After the first conversation with Sarah, my professional, I already felt better. Sarah is an extremely nice person. She is professional, understanding and friendly. She listens carefully to what you say, absorbs everything, thinks carefully and then comes up with personal advice, which helped me alot. She had a good sense of what was going on and was brave enough to disagree with me; that was something I really needed. It was like talking to a good friend and her tips & tricks really got me through it. I have learned that I am responsible for my own happiness and that it shouldn’t depend on others. Other people may certainly share and contribute to my happiness, but the basis lies within yourself. Sarah opened my eyes!”

Insight into your own thoughts

“In addition to the pleasant contact with Sarah, the NiceDay app and website helped me a lot. If I woke up with a knot in my stomach or with heavy thoughts, I could write it down in the app right away. Thanks to the chat function, I could always contact my professional, and using the notes Sarah had made, I could fall back on the tips & tricks that we had discussed in our previous conversations. I also used the ‘’Thought Record’’  a lot. When I felt bad, the questions that were asked allowed me to gradually put my thoughts into perspective. Completing this exercise showed me that it is not always all doom and gloom. ”

“I would highly recommend the NiceDay app to anyone who could use help. It is accessible, safe and it helped me! Even now I still regularly read the articles on www.niceday.app and I am very happy that I am back on the right track. ”

NiceDay

Mark received online help through the NiceDay app. Would you like to know more about online help via NiceDay? Click here for more information.

*Mark’s real name is known to the editors

Humans are social animals: we are dependent of others and like to do things together. How we behave and what we say can also be influenced by the people in our direct environment. Sometimes, it even looks like others even determine who you are, how much you are worth as a person and which qualities you possess. Nowadays, we are so caught up with what others think of us, or actually what we think others think of us, that we sometimes forget who we actually are!

Three times yourself

Edward Tory Higgins is the inventor of the self discrepancy theory. This theory states that individuals compare themselves to self created standards as well as to how others might see us. Higgins states that an individual has three ‘selves’:

• The actual self: this is how you look at yourself.
• The ideal self: this is who we would like to be.
• The ought self: this is how you want to be seen by others.

Ideally, it would be nice when the actual self is exactly the same as the ideal & the ought self. Then the image of ourselves matches with who we would like to be and how we want to be perceived by others. If the actual & the ideal self differ a lot, this can lead to feelings of disappointment and sadness. Research states that clinical depressed patients have the biggest difference between the two selves. When the actual & the ought self differ a lot, this can lead to feelings of agitation, guilt, stress and even anxiety. Research states that people with social anxiety have the biggest difference between these two.

Tips for a better self image

Our dependency on others can lead to the underestimation of our actual self or to having too high expectations of our ideal & ought self. So it’s good to become aware of who we actually are and what we (can) expect of ourselves. And you can do it like this:

• Describe yourself in 3 sentences and write down your strengths, qualities and characteristics. Also write down how your mother or your best friend would describe you. Is there a difference between the two descriptions? If so, why is that?
• Keep a positive diary daily. Often, we forget all the positive things we do during the day and we tend to remember the negative. The way we look at ourselves should be determined by both!
• Do you notice you experience anxiety in situations in which you value the opinion of others a lot? You can examine if the image you hold about yourself or the way you think others look at you is actually in line with reality. Is it true you’re not nice, not good enough, not a good parent or not a good friend? Or is it the anxiety that makes you think like this? Try looking at the situation from a different perspective! What would you say to a friend when he/she has similar beliefs about himself/herself? 
• Think about your own standards and expectations. Are they realistic and achievable? Would you want others to be like this? Aren’t you using words like ‘always’ or ‘never’? Aren’t you describing everything using “I have to…”? Or are you actually pretty tough on yourself? Write everything down and think for yourself if you might have to adjust your expectations a little bit.

NiceDay

Do you notice you’re not feeling well and you can be a bit negative about yourself? Or do you want to improve your awareness of who you really are? Write down these exercises in the NiceDay app in a diary registration!

Do you remember the positive things of your day? Or do you only remember the negative things of the day? Every day there are many things happening , but are you aware of this? Writing down every positive thing of the day can help you create a positive look back. Also reflecting on the day can be a good thing, for example: what went well and what can I improve? How you can go about this will be explained in this article.

Evolution
We often remember a negative experience better and longer than a positive experience. Our brain is wired like this. If you want to remember things of when you were two years old you will notice that it is hard to remember. Often the things you do remember are the bad experiences like, losing your parents while you were shopping, or the first day of school you did not like. To correct the negative experience you will need at least three positive experiences. So the negative experience is contradictory to three positive experience. Writing down your experiences will help to feel the positive experience consciously.

Positive self image
To get a positive self image you need confirmation. You achieve this by writing it down, in a positive diary. If you write down what is good, you will consciously notice the positive things of that day. You can write down the good things about yourself or the things that went well that day. Also you can read back what the positive things were. This can be useful for later, if you are feeling down you can read your positive experience. Writing  down positive experiences is called a positive diary.

Positive diary
In the positive diary you can note small and big successes. You can also note different positive experiences, for example thoughts are also important to write down. In the NiceDay app you can write down how you are dealing and what you are dealing with. You can choose to reflect three times a day, or just at the end of the day. Below this I will write down examples that you can use, or be inspired within.  

Examples

• Having a nice walk
• Getting the train on time
• Cooked for myself today
• I think I have planned my work well today
• etc…

Most of us know by now that regular exercise and practicing sports is part of a healthy lifestyle. However, participating in sports also has an influence on your mental health. Sport fanatics have been reporting for a long time that exercising is a great mood booster. Luckily for us, you don’t have to be a crazy sport fanatic to attain the positive influences on your mental health.

Sports and mood
Sports can boost your mood in different ways. First, there is the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that makes you feel good after your weekly run. A different way is that sports can work as a great distractor. This way it can support you during stressful periods. Sports can also boost your mood in a indirect way by improving your sleep. People who exercise fall asleep earlier and have a deeper sleep cycle. this in turn, leads to more energy and a better mood the next day.

Sports help you fight mental problems
As noted earlier, sports are great for their supportive function during periods of stress. Besides that, sports and exercising seem to be a protective factor against mental issues like depression or burn-out. Recent research showed that running therapy can be an effective treatment for people who suffer from a burn-out. A meta study by martinsen(2005) even showed that the effects of exercise therapy match those of antidepressants, for the treatment of light to moderate forms of depression.

Building confidence with sports
Besides the advantages mentioned above, sport also has a positive influence on your self-confidence and self-image. Research showed that people who regularly sport and exercise have a better self-image, even if they don’t lose any weight.
Sports also enhance your strength, a variety of skills like hand eye coordination and your endurance. This helps to make you feel better about yourself, increasing your confidence.
A final note is that team sports are a casual and fun way to socially interact with people. Participating in a team can also help to boost your confidence.

Probably, we all have something that we rather not share with our colleagues. However, it becomes something else when you hide so much of yourself that you can’t be yourself at all.

Home vs work

Some may value privacy higher than others, and there are a lot of people who want to keep work and home strictly separate from each other. Not wanting to take your work home, might be as good as not wanting to take your private life to work. Whatever floats your boat!

Adapting

It is often necessary to adapt to the environment you are in, dress in accordance with the norm, and behave professionally if your work asks for it. That’s the temporarily role you play and there’s basically nothing wrong with that. You just can’t always behave like you’re at home. But apparently, there are limits to what extent you should adjust.

Stigma and prejudice

In the US and the Netherlands, research was conducted involving personal characteristics that are often stigmatized, such as being gay or lesbian, and conditions such as growing up in poverty or experiencing mental or physical illnesses (Newheiser et al., 2017). The researchers found that hiding this type of characteristics results in lower self-esteem, lower job satisfaction, and commitment to work and the organization.

Hide or not?

To be accepted, one often chooses to hide a stigmatized identity. However, this can work counterproductively because the sense of belonging might just be reduced by it. This affects the quality of both the social interaction with colleagues and the organization where one works. The research therefore suggests that openness is in many cases more advantageous for both the stigmatized person and the organization.

Keep it real

There are, of course, things that you better not tell at work, but try to stay as authentic as possible. Wanting to belong to a group and adjust for it, therefore, comes with a price. Unfortunately, not everyone goes together, but that’s okay. Sometimes there’s just no match, or you’re right in each other’s allergy. You can only learn from that, especially about yourself!