I have been though a lot in the past: traumas, abuse, unsafe attachment addiction, personality problems, and depression. At the moment I suffer the most from depression. I worry about the past and I miss contact with myself and the people around me. When it gets too hot under my feet I tend to walk away and close and isolate myself. This feels like a relief for a while but then I feel lonely and depressed again.
The relationship with myself is therefore very annoying because I try to keep everything going, but actually lie to myself about what I need. I feel like I don’t know what to choose: the right choice, the best choice or the safest choice! Then I get lost in my head again worrying and then I think: “Never mind, I’m going to watch TV for hours as a distraction”. My ideal situation is to be able to participate, matter, build a good life, know what I want, and know who I am. Occasionally, that has been the case when I went out with someone, a relationship gives me a strong feeling. Being single, I now feel like I’m searching again and I’m thinking: “help!”. I never really built a life of my own, because I was always and still am with another person.
Finally, I would like to relax. The depression makes me so tense that my muscles are all tight and tingling. I am also ashamed of my behaviour and internal mess.